Radio Static by Greg Raven

Frazer Smith’s Sweetwater stage show rough ideas

Boston Marathon runner Rosie Ruiz has been held for questioning by authorities after her angel-dust-powered limousine (roll-away bed?) struck several judges and spectators after crossing the finish line in last week’s race.

Trading on the floor of the Chicago Commodities Exchange had to be suspended this morning after it was learned that many of the cards being traded were actually counterfeits being issued by former U.S. budget director Bert Lance.

Ex-president Jerry Ford is in the hospital today after a serious accident in which he fell down some stairs, kicked himself in the head, bit one of his own ears off, and knocked out one of his teeth with his elbow.

A circuit court judge has ordered the FCC to allow radio personality Frazer Smith to return to the air after suspending him for repeating the words “monkey pus” 7,000 times on the air, even though thousands of teenagers attacked skyscrapers with their teeth minutes after the broadcast.

Police in Utah are on the alert for members of the Osmond family, who are reportedly ramming expensive homes with stolen RVs and then digging up the yards with their teeth. Although the behavior is strange even by Osmond standards, one family friend told POWER NEWS, “They wouldn’t live in Utah if they didn’t like snow.” [needs new kicker … maybe, “They like to do this every time Marie gets a new boyfriend.”]

The mysterious disappearance of Governor Brown’s blue Plymouth was partially solved this week after it was discovered caught on some reefs off the shore of Florida with a trunk-full of Cuban refugees and Ted Kennedy at the wheel. Owner Jerry Brown told POWER NEWS, “That’s the last time I let Leon Spinks borrow my car.”

The owner of a Washington-based catering company has been arrested by Secret Service agents after it was discovered that he had attempted to serve President Carter a cheese sandwich with a Too Hip card baked into it.

Traffic on the Santa Monica Freeway eastbound was tied up for nearly ten hours yesterday when somebody accidentally dropped a Too Hip card in the fast lane. The resulting scramble left one dead and almost forty injured before the California Highway Patrol could clear away the wreckage.

Astronomers at the Mount Palomar Observatory have reported confirmation of a new theory that the entire universe as we know it is wearing the largest Frazer Smith T-shirt ever seen. No wonder the stars are so beautiful.