Frazer Smith’s Power News — July 21, 1978
ROUGH IDEAS
KATE JACKSON IS TOO KINKY TO KEEP A STEADY LOVER. DOESN’T WANT TO GET SERIOUS ABOUT ANY MAN AFTER BREAKING UP WITH FS. LIKED FS BECAUSE HE IS A TYCOON AND NOT INTIMIDATED BY HIM. (LIST OF LOVERS?)
JOHN TRAVOLTA IS WRECKING SUZANNE SOMERS’ MARRIAGE TO ALAN HAMEL WITH HIS ATTEMPTS TO TURN HER INTO A ZOMBIE IN PREPARATION FOR HIS NEW MOVIE ROLE AS A VAMPIRE.
MICK JAGGER HAS THE EDGE IN HIS CONTEST WITH SEX PISTOLS SINGER JOHNNY ROTTEN. THE TWO ARE IN A BITE-OFF, BUT JAGGER HAS THE HEAD START, SINCE HE ALREADY IS IN COMPETITION WITH TRAVOLTA IN THE DRACULA THING. ROTTEN’S TEETH ARE ROTTEN, TOO.
HARDY BOYS CO-STAR PARKER STEVENSON HAS DUKED OUT SHAUN CASSIDY, AFTER HEARING THAT CASSIDY WAS MISTREATING WIFE DEBBY BOONE. THEY ARE GETTING A DIVORCE, AND STEVENSON IS DATING BOONE.
WAYNE NEWTON’S SECRET NIGHTMARE IS THAT HE IS ON A STAGE AND THERE ARE PEOPLE THROWING BALONEY AND OTHER LUNCHMEATS AT HIM, ALL FILLED WITH DANGEROUS CHEMICALS AND RODENT PARTS. THEN, HE GAINS WEIGHT, BECAUSE HE FEELS HE MUST EAT ALL OF THE MEAT, WHICH HE FEELS IS BOUGHT BY THE HARD-WON MONEY OF HONEST PEOPLE WHO LIKE HIM.
JASON PORKBONER HAS SET THE WORLD’S RECORD FOR KEEPING TWO SHREWS INSIDE HIS TROUSERS FOR FOUR HOURS, TWELVE MINUTES. UNFORTUNATELY, OFFICIALS FROM GUINESS BOOK WHERE LATE IN ARRIVING TO WITNESS THE EVENT, AND BY THE TIME THEY GOT THERE, PORKBONER HAD ALREADY BEEN CONSUMED BY THE RODENTS.
UCLA SCIENTIST PEGGY NUTBUSTER CLAIMS THAT FOOD CAN MAKE YOU CRAZY. SHE SAYS THAT NOT ONLY DO THE CHEMICALS AFFECT THE WAY THAT YOU THINK, BUT ALSO, IT COSTS A LOT AND IS SOMETIMES HARD TO PROPERLY PREPARE, WHICH CAN UPSET YOU AND DRIVE YOU BERSERK.
POLICE ENJOY HIGH-SPEED CHASES THAT ALLOW THEM TO RUN OVER PEDESTRAINS AND RUN OTHER MOTORISTS OFF THE ROAD. GIVE STATISTICS.
PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER TRYING TO EXTORT MONEY FROM SOVIET PEOPLE BY PROMISING THEM FREEDOM AND SAFE PASSAGE TO THE U.S. IN WAKE OF THE RECENT SOVIET DISSIDENT TRIALS.
REPORT SHOWS THAT TIGHT-ROPE WALKER KARL WALLENDA, OF THE FLYING WALLENDAS, DID NOT FALL, AS PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT. INSTEAD, WALLENDA THOUGHT THAT HE SAW AN EMPTY CAB, AND WAS TRYING TO GOT TO IT BEFORE ANYONE ELSE SPOTTED IT. HOWEVER, AS HE MADE HIS WAY TO THE CAB, A GUST OF WIND KNOCKED HIM OFF-COURSE, CAUSING HIM TO LAND ON THE ROOF OF THE CAB INSTEAD OF ON THE SIDEWALK NEXT TO IT, AS HE HAD PLANNED. IT IS NOT KNOWN WHERE WALLENDA WAS PLANNING TO GO.
FS SUED AFTER A VISITING WOMAN IS ATTACKED BY FS PET SHREW. FS ORDERED TO PAY THOUSANDS AND SPEND A FEW HOURS A WEEK WITH THE WOMAN, WHO CLAIMS THAT SINCE THE INCIDENT, SHE HAS NOT BEEN SATISFIED WITH ANY OF HER LOVERS.
STUDIES INDICATE THAT AMERICANS ARE SLEEPING LESS AND EATING MORE MEAT. SCIENTIST ACCUSES THE ARMY FOR THE TREND, CLAIMING THAT THE MILITARY IS SECRETLY USING SHREWS TO TRAIN PERSONEL AND COMMANDOES TO SLEEP TWO HOURS A DAY AND EAT RAW MEAT.
TOP NAVY BRASS CONCEDE THAT THERE MAY BE SOME TROUBLE IN THE BUILDING OF THE NEW NUCLEAR SUB, THE TRIDENT, AFTER IT WAS LEARNED BY POWER NEWS THAT THE SUB IS BEING BUILT AT LAKE TAHOE, FROM WHICH THERE IS NO WAY TO GET THE SUB TO THE OCEAN. MAY HAVE TO USE PCP INSTEAD OF NUCLEAR POWER TO GET THE SUB OUT.
POLICE ARE ASKING FS TO STOP FIRING AA GUNS INTO THE AIR OVER HIS PASADENA HOME. FS CLAIMS THAT IT IS THE ONLY WAY HE CAN GET PEACE AND QUIET FROM THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE STEALING PLANES AND BUZZING THE HOUSE IN THE HOPES OF GETTING A GLIMPSE OF THE FAMOUS FS.
A MEDICAL ADVISOR FOR THE MISSISSIPPI POLICE HAS ADVISED THAT THE PATROLMEN DRINK UP TO JO BEERS A DAY TO HELP THEM PERFORM THEIR DUTIES. SAYS THE DOCTOR, THE BEER TIGHTENS UP THEIR EYES, AND MAKES THEIR VISION BETTER, IN ADDITION TO RELAXING THEM. “IT ISN’T AS DANGEROUS AS DRINKING AND DRIVING, TO HAVE THESE MEN ROAMING THE STREETS, DRUNK AND ARMED. AT LEAST, I DON’T THINK SO.”
A NEW BIRTH CONTROL SPRAY THAT ONE SPRAYS UP ONES NOSE SO THAT ONE WILL NOT GET PREGNANT WHILE SNORTING COCAINE.
SUSAN ST. JAMES SO MUCH LIKES HER HOLLYWOOD NIGHTSHIFT PANTIES THAT SHE HAS DECIDED TO HAVE THE PICTURE AND THE FRONT TATTOOED ALL OVER HER BODY.
CITY FATHERS GO BERSERK AND PUMMELL ONLOOKERS AFTER FS FAILS TO SHOW UP AT A CEREMONY IN HIS HONOR AT WHICH A STAR WITH HIS NAME WAS TO BE INSTALLED ON THE WALK OF ATHLETES.
FS AT HUSSONG’S CANTEEN, IN ENSENADA.
FULL MOON OUT — AND IT BELONGS TO FS.
FS POINT AND SHOOT TOURNAMENT.
EST TAKES OVER TOWN, ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY, THAT IS.
CHEVY CREATES HAVOC AT THE COMEDY STORE, SECOND ONLY TO THAT CAUSED BY FS.
MEXICANS DRINKING BEER AND PUSHING SHOPPING CARTS FULL OF SHREW FUR COATS AROUND THE CITY AT HIGH SPEEDS. THE POLICE CHASE THEM, CAUSING MASSIVE DAMAGE TO REAL AND PERSONAL PROPERTY.
FAT, VIOLENT KIDS ARE WANDERING THE STREETS STONED, WITH THEIR SUGAR JONES.
FS PUNCHES OUT LEON SPINKS IN A STEAM ROOM.
FS KICKED OUT OF DODGER GAME FOR MARKING THE BALL.
ELTON JOHN DISEASE: HAIR FALLING OUT, ALREADY CRAZED, GOING BLIND. DOESN’T CARE IF HIS FACE FALLS OFF. AFRAID OF DOCTORS.
JAGGER AND TRAVOLTA, BOTH UNDER CONSIDERATION FOR MOVIE ROLES AS DRACULA AND VAMPIRES, RESPECTIVELY, ARE GETTING INTO IT, AND ARE COMPETING WITH EACH OTHER TO SEE WHO CAN GET THE MOST FEMALE SLAVES OR ZOMBIES.
ANGEL DUST TRUCK EXPLODES IN TRAFFIC ACCIDENT, LEVELING THE DALLAS/FORT WORTH AREA. NOBODY CARES.
MIAMI JOB-TRAINING PROGRAM: EXECUTIVES HIRING THEIR RELATIVES TO GET TANS AT TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR.
KIDS EATING WATERMELON, WEARING THE RINDS AS SHOES. WETTING THEIR BEDS.
LEE MAJORS AND FARRAH FAWCETT CONSIDERING MOVIE OFFERS THAT WOULD HAVE THEM PERFORMING SEX ACTS WITH MONKEYS AND DOGS, SINCE THEY ARE BOTH NOW OUT OF WORK, OR NEARLY SO.
LINDA RONSTADT IS LIFTING WEIGHTS AND TAKING KARATE LESSONS IN ORDER TO HELP GET VOTES FOR SWEETHEART JERRY BROWN IN NOVEMBER.
APPARENTLY UPSET WITH A NETWORK RULING THAT LIMITS THE NUMBER OF VIOLENT ACTIONS ON PRIME TIME TV, PAUL MICHAEL GLAZER OF. STARSKY AND HUTCH WENT BERSERK AND SNAPPED AND PUMPED HUNDREDS OF ROUNDS INTO EXTRAS DURING THE FILMING OF THIS WEEK’S EPISODE.
FOOTBALL COMMISSIONER BOWIE KUHN TRIES TO EMULATE DAVID BOWIE CIRCA 1973, IS EXECUTED MYSTERIOUSLY.
FS STARTS RASPUTIN-STYLE RELIGIOUS CULT.
AL RAMIREZ AND LEON SPINKS GO INTO A PARTNERSHIP TO SCAM THE HORSES. THEY LOSE ALL OF THEIR MONEY AFTER AL LEARNS THAT HE CAN’T UNDERSTAND SPINKS OVER THE MINI RADIOS.
FS SHOWS UP FOR 49ER’S PRACTICE IN A TUX AND DARK GLASSES, SHOOTS AUTOGRAPH SEEKER, INVITED TO STAY ON THE TEAM.
RADICAL WEATHER CONDITIONS WITH SMOG AND FOG AND CLOUDS OF ANGEL DUST CAUSE 2ND STAGE DUST ALERT. WORST DUSTING IN TWENTY YEARS. CLOUDS OF ACID AND ANGEL DUST.
CARTER’S DRUG ABUSE EXPERT HAS BEEN PRESCRIBING QUAALUDES TO WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS UNDER FICTICIOUS NAMES. PETER G. BOURNE.