Frazer Smith’s Power News — May 26, 1979
Preakness Stakes
Laz Barrera, trainer of Shrew Biscuit, winner of the famed Preakness Stakes last Saturday, talked with POWER NEWS reporter Connie Chimp about jockey Al Ramirez’ failure to show up for a pre-race stategy session. Said Barrera, “We’ve talked about it already. I remember how I was when I was his age. He’s no different than any other young boy.” Ramirez, who was flown to the track with seconds to spare before the big race, left immediately afterwards for New York, and was not available for comment. The rumor mill has it, though, that he is readying a Cetral Park apartment for the arrival of new fave Bianca Jagger.
CB Chickenhawks
“CB Chickenhawks,” a film about upwardly-mobile single men in Marina del Rey, was screened by POWER NEWS this week, and boy, are our arms tired. The story centers around Dixie-Boy Bill-Bob Carter, who takes to driving around town luring children out of their expensive homes with promised of test answers and homework help, after failing to impress secretaries at his brokerage firm with his live sharkskin suits. The tiny hands army, however, loves his white shoes, and Dixie-Boy’s experience as a CPA enables him to elude the police until the very end. It’s a fave, and it’s personally endorsed by Rodney B., so check it out, OK? And send me $500 if you get a chance.
Emilio Fabuloso goes berserk
Elsewhere, Emilio Fabuloso, brother of famed Italian director Fredrico Fabuloso, went berserk and killed four housewives, severely wounding their children, when he apparently became enraged upon waking to find that his nose was made of rubber and there were polka dots on all of his Swedish double-knit suits. Emilio’s wife said that he struggled unsuccessfully with the inflatable shoes for several minutes, but ran screaming from the house when a phone call informed him that he had lost his position at CBS, and was now expected to support his wife and the tuition for his son’s medical schooling by taking a job at a circus. Police in charge of the investigation say that he pummeled the women to death with a large, trained latex seal, and then beat the children with their own dolls.
Presidential family feud
Well, it’s Family Feud, presidential-style, as cousin Hugh Carter’s new book on the first family hits the stands. Reaction was immediate from Jimmy’s mother, Miss Lillian, who began breathing fire and branding small children with her tongue. The rest of the family was not far behind. Hell-raising Chip Carter talked his wife into hurtling head-first at cousin Hugh, who was barricaded inside his Washington home with automatic weapons and tactical nuclear devices. Meanwhile, the prez himself has his hands full with Billy, who reportedly wants to “slam dunk a couple hundred thousand dollars worth of alcohol and ruin some women, if we can.” Presidential aide Hamilton “Hambone” Jordan, in California recently to study wife porking, is helping Billy prepare for his feat.
Border monitor posted
A United Nations observer has been posted at the Mexican-American border following the recent scandal when a whale was harpooned by alleged members of the Ku Klux Klan for trying to enter the United States without a green card. Although the police report on the incident is confidential, KKK leader Peter Powerprong claimed that the whale was heading in the direction of Las Vegas, and had several towels in its possession from the Plunderer Motel, where it was apparently employed in the kitchen. In a related story, union leaders at the Plunderer are demanding an explanation, claiming that the management is attempting to use cheap labor in order to phase out the lower primates currently doing the work there, and they have kidnapped the motel’s television and are holding it for ransom until they receive a satisfactory reply.
Farrah Fawcett-Majors shunning publicity
Sex queen Farrah Fawcett-Majors, whose posters have sold millions following her leap to fame as one of TV’s Charlie’s Angels, has grown tired of the publicity. It all came to a head last week at the Cannes Film Festival when she had to strip to please fans who threw money and made rude suggestions. Since then, Farrah has been seeing a doctor who has prescribed drugs that will turn her black within a matter of weeks. Says Farrah, “I don’t even care if they stop taking my MasterCard. I want to be black and marry Tom Waits.” Waits could not be reached for comment.
Farrah Fawcett-Majors silicone injections
Farrah Fawcett-Majors, who last week, it was revealed, was taking pills to turn herself black, this week went a step further in her plan to disappear from the public eye by having silicone injections to enlarge her tiny, tiny hands. Although tiny hands are mandatory at many of the exclusive nightspots around Los Angeles, it doesn’t seem to bother Farrah, who say, “I want them to be so huge that they won’t even let me into Pinks’s.”
Betty Ford back from detox
Betty Ford, wife of the ex-president, is home again after a brief stay at the drug detoxification facility at Long Beach Naval Hospital, where she made reservations for husband Gerald. States Betty, “It’s a real nice place. I know that Gerry will like it too, but I’m sure he’ll miss the snow.” She is referring, of course, to the excellent skiing available at the couple’s Palm Springs home.
Problems for Evel Knievel
Looks like daredevil Evel Knievel is in trouble again, and boy, are his arms tired. It seems that one of his loyal fans is determined to marry Knievel. At first, the woman, 23-year-old Shiela Geekswaller of Monrovia, went on a hunger strike to win Evel’s heart. Now, it’s into the hospital for Shiela, where she plans to have doctors fill her head with balloons. “I’ll get him one way or another,” claims Shiela. “I don’t want spacemen to be in control of my mind.”
LAX is dangerous
LAX has once again been branded the most dangerous airport in the nation, which is due, according to the Airline Pilots Association, to the runways that the planes must use between midnight and six-thirty a.m. Hoffy Weiner, a spokesman for the group, says using these runways requires the pilots to fly low over areas known to be heavily infested with blood leeches, giant lizards, and huge green things that come out of the water late at night and bite rocks in half. Airport general manager Richard Speck, however, states that the runways are perfectly safe, now that angel dust factories along the flight path have been asked to shut down at least one hour a day.
Pop Rocks
A semi-truck/trailer full of Pop Rocks, the new candy for kids, exploded descending the Grapevine, stopping traffic on that road for about a month. Driver error is being cited as the cause of the blast, POWER NEWS reporters were told. Apparently, the trucker was hot-footing it down the grade when his feet burst into flames, detonating the cargo.
Jacklyn Smith’s shrinking hands
Celebrity palm-reader Sister Rachael, after studying photos of TV Angel Jaclyn Smith (no relation to comedian Frazer Smith — too bad for her), says that the actress won’t be lonely much longer. States Sister Rachael, “I’ve know for some time now that Jackie’s hands are shrinking, and that means only one thing; she will soon find love.” How right you are, Sister Rachael. They’re so tiny.
Spinks-Ali bout
It’s beginning to look like the clash of the century, as the two heavy weights Muhammad Ali and Leon Spinks prepare for their upcoming championship bout. While Ali is training hard and has put himself on a liquide morphine diet, champ Spinks is in the dentist’s chair, now that he can afford it. Says Spinks, “Last time, I was too easy on him. This time, I’m really going to sink my teeth into him.”
Cher and Gene Simmons, the first
In one of the most unlikely match-ups in Hollywood, bass player Gene Simmons of Kiss has been seen around town with singer Cher Bono-Allman-Spinks. When asked how they met, Simmons says, “I saw her picture in a magazine and fell madly in love … with myself.” Wallet photos at 11:00.
Cher and Gene Simmons, the second
POWER NEWS reporters found out this week that the famous Cher Bono-Allman-Spinks love affair with bass player Gene Simmons of Kiss was all a publicity hoax dreamed up by Casablanca Records to promote Cher’s new album. When POWER NEWS called Cher to verify the story, she admitted the affair was a stunt. Cher told us she loves hubby Gregg Allman more than ever before, although she intends to go ahead with plans to date guitarist Peter Frampton as a summer replacement.
Cher and Gene Simmons, the third
Despite efforts by Casablanca Records to promote Cher’s latest album by pairing her off with Kiss bass player Gene Simmons, the album just isn’t selling the way company executives feel it should. As a result, they have decided to continue the publicity stunt by forcing the two to get married and have three or four kids. Says one Casablanca executive, “If this doesn’t do it, we may have to ask Capricorn to let us borrow Duane Allman.”
Berkowitz trial
“Son of Sam” killer David Berkowitz this week went berserk in court, screaming that he committed the murders because then-president Gerald Ford had ignored Berkowitz’ plan to save New York City from bankruptcy. Dick Kissoff, a friend of the ex-president’s, who witnessed the proceedings, at that point stood in his chair and chanted, “You are out of order.” As deputies dragged Berkowitz from the courtroom following the incident, he commented to press members about the deterioration of dress standards among the young, and vowed to take up smoking unless cleared of all charges.
Birthday party for Amy Carter and Bob Hope
And speaking of young love, as it seems we always are on the Frazer Smith Show, second-lady Amy Carter is in love again, this time with aging comedian Bob Hope, a close personal friend of mine. Hope, a guest at the White House this week, had a busy schedule between fund-raising and over-eating at dinners held in his honor, leaving Amy in the cold. But not for long, as she stormed off to her room and locked the door, prompting the Prez to quip, “Amy wanted Mr. Hope to stay the night, but he would have had to climb a tree to get to his bedroom.” Watch out, Jimmy, Bob may take you up on that. After all, you can’t trust a Republican.