SINGER DEBRA HARRY WENT BERSERK UPON SEEING ACTOR DAVID CASSIDY IN A BOWLING ALLEY THIS WEEK. FRIENDS AND ALLEY EMPLOYEES STRUGGLED WITH HARRY FOR OVER TEN MINUTES TO SUBDUE HER, AFTER THE SINGER BEGAN THROWING BOWLING BALLS AT CASSIDY, SEVERELY INJURING HIM. Now IN JAIL, HARRY DENIES ATTACKING CASSIDY, AND SAYS SHE WAS MERELY GIVING HIM SOME LESSONS IN HARMONY, USING THE BOWLING BALLS TO REPRESENT MUSICAL NOTES. STATES THE TALENTED DEBRA, “IT’S NOT MY FAULT HE’S SUCH A SLOW LEARNER.”
THE PRESIDENT IS IN BIG TROUBLE AGAIN THIS WEEK. AFTER REPORTERS ATTENDING A PRESS CONFERENCE WERE ORDERED BOUND AND GAGGED BY THE PRES, THE PRACTICAL-JOKING CHIEF EXEC THEN RELIEVED THE REPORTERS OF THEIR VALUABLES AND STEPPED ON THEIR HATS. Film at eleven.
DONNY OSMOND IS REPORTEDLY DISGRUNTLED THAT HIS FATHER GEORGE SEEMS TO BE TAKING QUITE A SHINE TO DoNNY’S WIFE, DEBRA. GEORGE, HOWEVER, IS UNCONCERNED ABOUT RUMORS THAT DONNY HAS PUT OUT A CONTRACT ON HIM, AND STATES ENTHUSIASTICALLY ABOUT DEBRA, “SHE’S EVERYTHING A MORMON WIFE SHOULD BE, AND SHE SURE CAN OUT-DRINK THAT WIMP MARIE. I’M PROUD TO HAVE HER — UH — AS MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.”
HAL LINDEN, WHO GAINED FAME ON TV AFTER YEARS OF ANONYMITY ON BROADWAY, NOW DOESN’T WANT his hard-earned RECOGNITION. LINDEN, WHO IS CONSTANTLY MOBBED WHENEVER HE APPEARS IN PUBLIC, HAS DECIDED THAT THE ONLY ANSWER IS TO HAVE HIS FACE REMOVED. SAYS HE, “THAT WAY, I’LL STILL HAVE ALL OF MY MONEY, AND I’LL BE ABLE TO surprise MY FAMILY.”
WE’VE ALL HEARD THAT THERE IS NOTHING NEW UNDER THE SUN, BUT AS IT TURNS OUT, THERE IS, AS SCIENTISTS THIS WEEK OBSERVED SOLAR ACTIVITY THAT COINCIDES WITH LONG LINES OF SENIOR CITIZENS OUTSIDE CHEAP HOLLYWOOD RESTAURANTS. RESEARCHERS FEAR LARGER SOLAR FLARES MIGHT CAUSE THE SENIOR CITIZENS TO PUT THEIR DENTURES IN BACKWARDS AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
POWER NEWS LEARNED THAT IN A LAST-DITCH EFFORT TO SAVE HER MARRIAGE, ACTRESS FARRAH FAUCETT TRIED TO BUY MODEL CHERYL TIEGS FOR HER EX-HUSBAND, LEE MAJORS. APPARENTLY, CHERYL WENT ALONG WITH THE IDEA AT FIRST, BUT BACKED OUT AT THE LAST MINUTE WHEN SHE DISCOVERED THAT HER VIBRATOR DISRUPTED THE NORMAL FUNCTIONing OF LEE’S BIONIC PARTS.
THE UNITED STATES IS CONTINUING TO PROTEST SOVIET MICROWAVE BOMBARDMENT OF THE U.S. EMBASSY THAT CAUSES THE TOILETS IN THE EMBASSY TO EXPLODE. ALTHOUGH NO ONE EVER USES THE TOILETS, JANITOR ELMO FARTMAN POINTS OUT, iT’s HARD TO FIX YOUr MAKE-UP WHILE THOSE DARN THINGS ARE EXPLODING LIKE THAT, AND THIS RUSSIAN WATER IS RUINING OUR CARPETS.”
POLICE IN UTAH ARE ON THE ALERT FOR MEMBERS OF THE OSMOND FAMILY, WHO ARE REPORTED TO BE RAMMING EXPENSIVE HOMES WITH A STOLEN RECREATIONAL VEHICLE AND THEN DIGGING UP THE YARDS. CLOSE FRIENDS ARE BAFFLED BY THE BEHAVIOR, WHICH IS STRANGE EVEN BY OSMOND STANDARDS, BUT ARE SURE THAT IT IS DUE TO AN IMBALANCE IN THE LEVEL OF OZONE IN THE ATMOSPHERE. “ON THE OTHER HAND,” SAYS ONE FAMILY FRIEND, “THEY WOULDN’T LIVE IN UTAH IF THEY DIDN’T LIKE SNOW.”
EMERGENCY CREWS ARE STILL ROUNDING UP VICTIMS OF THIS WEEK’S WEST COVINA UNWED MOTHERS MARATHON DANCE TROUPE BLIZZARD IN JULY FIREWORKS DISPLAY AT DODGER STADIUM, AT WHICH THOUSANDS OF SKYROCKETS FILLED WITH PURE GUADALUMBIAN COCAINE WERE SHOT INTO THE AIR OVER Los ANGELES. MILLIONS OF LOCAL INHABITANTS WERE TREATED FOR SORE KNEES AFTER SPENDING DAYS ON ALL FOURS SNIFFING THE GROUND LIKE A HUGE PACK OF DOGS. STILL MORE PEOPLE WERE HOSPITALIZED AFTER TRYING TO LIGHT THEIR NOSES ON FIRE TO MELT THE SNOW THAT SOMEHOW HAD BECOME PACKED INTO THEIR NOSTRILS. AUTHORITIES ARE INVESTIGATING THE SOURCE OF THE FIREWORKS.
METHOD-ACTOR ROD STEIGER HAS REPORTEDLY THROWN HIMSELF INTO THE PREPARATIONS FOR HIS NEW MOVIE, “THE FROGMAN.” ALREADY, STEIGER CLAIMS THAT HE HAS LOST OVER 100 POUNDS ON HIS NEW DIET, THAT CONSISTS OF ANYTHING HE CAN CATCH WITH HIS TONGUE, AND PLANS TO CHECK INTO THE HOSPITAL MONDAY TO HAVE SUCTION CUPS IMPLANTED ON HIS TOES.
THE SAN BERNARDO FREEWAY WAS BLOCKED FOR SEVERAL HOURS YESTERDAY WHEN A TANKER TRUCK JACK-KNIFED AFTER LEAKING SEVERAL THOUSAND GALLONS OF GASOLINE. THE DRIVER, DAN ANGUS, OF SCRATCH ‘N’ SNIFF, CALIFORNIA, TOLD CHP OFFICERS THAT HE SAW MOTORISTS BEHIND HIM STOPPING TO HELP THEMSELVES TO THE FREE GAS, AND DECIDED TO JOIN THEM, FORGETTING THAT HIS VEHICLE WAS MOVING OVER 75-MILES-PER-HOUR.
TV’s KATE JACKSON HAS STATED IN A HEARING IN SUPERIOR COURT THIS WEEK THAT SHE IS SUING BILLIONAIRE COMEDIAN CHEVY CHASE FOR STANDING HER UP ON A DATE. SAYS KATE, “THERE ARE SOME THINGS I WILL TAKE LYING DOWN, AND THIS ISN’T ONE OF THEM,” JACKSON IS REPORTEDLY ASKING FOR $200,000 TO COVER THE COST OF A NEW OUTFIT SHE BOUGHT FOR THE OCCASION, AS WELL AS TWO MILLION DOLLARS IN PUNITIVE DAMAGES FOR IRREPAIRABLE DAMAGE TO HER CAREER, SAYS CHEVY ABOUT THE WHOLE THING, “SHE’S DUSTED. SHE’S JUST TRYING TO CAUSE TROUBLE FOR ME, I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TIED — UH — CALLED HER UP IN THE FIRST PLACE.”
RocK STAR PETER FRAMPTON TOLD POWER NEWS THAT HE IS AFRAID HIS FANS ARE TRYING TO KILL HIM, AND THAT THEY HAVE STARTED ATTACKING HIM AT HOME AS WELL AS ON-STAGE. ACCORDING TO THE SUPERSTAR, HE WOULD RATHER “WRESTLE SHARKS THAN STEP OUT IN FRONT OF THOSE DOPE-CRAZED WEIRDOS.” RECENT DEATH THREATS AND TRASH BURGLARIES HAVE FORCED FRAMPTON TO BARRICADE HIMSELF INSIDE HIS NEW YORK MANSION WITH A 24-HOUR HELICOPTER PATROL.
EXECUTORS OF THE ESTATE OF THE LATE GROUCHO MARX ARE RE-EXAMINING CLAIMS THAT GROUCHo’s PERSONAL SECRETARY ERIN FLEMING MADE LIFE MISERABLE FOR HIM. WHEN CONTACTED BY POWER NEWS, HOWEVER, Ms. FLEMING DENIED REPORTS THAT SHE OFTEN COOKED MARX EXPLODING FOOD, AND SAID THAT SHE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THE LATE GROUCHO’S SECRET ATTEMPTS TO BUY A NEUTRON BOMB.
Two TEENAGE BOYS ARE BEING HELD BY JUVENILE AUTHORITIES IN DETRIOT PENDING INVESTIGATIONS INTO ALLEGATIONS THAT THEY STOLE A SHIPMENT OF PUBIC HAIR FRIGHT WIGS. ACCORDING TO THE POLICE, THE BOYS SOLD THE STOLEN WIGS AT A NEARBY MILITARY BASE, AND USED THE PROCEEDS TO BUY T-BIRDS. POLICE SAY THAT THEY BECAME SUSPICIOUS OF THE TWO UPON SEEING TWO T-BIRDS CRUISING THE DOWNTOWN AREA THAT WERE NOT PAINTED HOT PINK.
AGING NATURALIST JACQUES COUSTEAU HAS BEEN ARRESTED BY FRENCH POLICE AND CHARGED WITH UNNATURAL ACTS WITH A SEA MAMMAL. ACCORDING TO CREW MEMBERS, COUSTEAU FLEW INTO A RAGE AFTER SPOTTING A DOLPHIN THAT HAD JUST BEEN BROUGHT ABOARD THE CALYPSO, AND ATTACKED THE CREATURE WITH A HUGE SPIKE. LAWYERS FOR THE DEFENSE ARE CLAIMING THAT AFTER THE LONG VOYAGE, THE DOLPHIN REMINDed COUSTEAU OF HIS WIFE.
MICHIGAN HAS GOTTEN ITSELF AN OFFICIAL STATE RODENT, AND IT’S THE WEASEL. LEADING THE DRIVE TO HAVE THE WEASEL NAMED THE STATE ANIMAL WAS ROCK GUITARIST TED NUGENT, WHO CLAIMED, “pEOPLE IN THIS STATE DESERVE THE WEASEL, IT FITS THEIR MOOD.” LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS, HOWEVER, FOUGHT THE MOVE, CLAIMING THAT SUCH A DECLARATION WOULD MAKE IT NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO ARREST WEASELS THAT USE HARD NARCOTICS, MOLEST WOMEN, OR DRIVE BACKWARDS AT HIGH SPEEDS, AND THE TREND COULD SPREAD TO THE GENERAL POPULACE. STATES POLICE CHIEF CHARLEY STRINGMONGER, “I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START SAYING THEIR GRANDPARENTS ARE FULL-BLOODED WEASELS.”
Two MEN HUNTING TIN CANS WITH HIGH-POWERED RIFLES IN THE BACKWOODS OF VIRGINIA DISCOVERED A MAN WHO HAD BEEN LIVING IN A CARDBOARD BOX FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS, THE MAN, HADEN TWEEZER, SAID THAT HE HAD TAKEN UP RESIDENCE IN THE BOX AFTER INTERRUPTING HIS WIFE ONE DAY, SAID TWEEZER, “I WAS AFRAID TO GO BACK TO SEE IF SHE WAS OFF THE PHONE, YET.”
AN LA TRAFFIC COURT JUDGE HAS SENTENCED LOCAL MULTI-TALENTED COMEDIAN RICHARD PRIOR TO A RECORD 15,000 HOURS OF TRAFFIC SCHOOL FOLLOWING PRIOR’S ARREST FOR NUMEROUS BOATING CODE VIOLATIONS, INCLUDING DOUBLE-PARKING A JET-SKI IN THE LOADING ZONE IN FRONT OF THE SCANDIA RESTAURANT. PRIOR SHOWED NO EMOTION WHEN JUDGE C.Z. CLOCKBRAIN PASSED SENTENCE, BUT LATER HE WAS OVERHEARD IN THE HALLWAY SHOUTING, “THIS IS MY TOWN, I CAN USE IT ANY WAY I WANT TO! WHERE’S MY CHECKBOOK?”
AN INVESTIGATION HAS CONCLUDED THAT DRUG ABUSE IS TURNING U.S. HORSE RACING TRACKS INTO POTENTIAL DEATH TRAPS FOR BOTH JOCKIES AND HORSES, ACCORDING TO DOCTOR BINGO “SPEEDBALL” BOFFMEISTER, MANY JOCKIES ARE ROUTINELY AND ILLEGALLY GIVING THEIR MOUNTS ASPIRIN BEFORE RACES, SAYS BoFFMEISTER, “MANY OF THESE HORSES ARE TAKING A POUND OF ASPIRIN A DAY, WHICH NOT ONLY UPSETS THEIR STOMACHS, BUT ALSO MAKES THEM MORE RECEPTIVE TO SEXUAL ADVANCES FROM OTHERS ON THE RACEWAY.”
ALAN HAMEL, WHO IS KNOWN TO HIS FRIENDS AS MR. ALPHA BETA, IS RUMORED TO BE THINKING ABOUT DIVORCING WIFE SUZANNE SOMERS, REPORTEDLY, HAMEL HAS FOUND THAT HE IS POWERLESS TO PREVENT SOMERS FROM SNEAKING OUT OF THE HOUSE DURING FULL MOONS TO MODEL FOR NUDIE MAGAZINES, SAYS HAMEL, “SURE I’M UPSET ABOUT THE PICTURES, BUT IT’S REALLY OUR LOVE LIFE THAT BUGS ME, I DON’T DARE LET HER NEAR ME WITH THOSE TEETH.”
CONGRESS THIS WEEK ASKED THE PRESIDENT TO PRESENT THEM WITH A NATIONAL DRUG POLICY, IN LIGHT OF NEW REPORTS THAT THE UNITED STATES RELIES ON FORIEGN COUNTRIES FOR OVER 85% OF ITS DRUGS, MANY POLITICIANS, MEANWHILE, HAVE CONDEMNED THE ADMINISTRATION FOR FAILING TO PROVIDE GUIDELINES FOR AMERICANS, WHO ARE OFTEN CALLED THE GREATEST DRUG-WASTERS IN THE WORLD, As IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, SENATOR TED KENNEDY IS WARNING THAT THE UNITED STATES WILL RUN OUT OF ALL DRUGS BY THE YEAR 1985, WHICH HE SAYS WILL PROBABLY SPELL THE END OF THE WORLD.
OFFICIALS OF THE PGA HAVE BANNED ROCK STAR ALICE COOPER FROM THE TOUR FOLLOWING AN INCIDENT INVOLVING COOPER’S NEW GOLD CART, THE CART, WHICH WAS BUILT FOR COOPER BY CUSTOMIZER GEORGE BARRIS, RESEMBLES A HUGE DRAGON, AND EVEN BREATHES FIRE, WHICH IS HOW THE Coop GOT INTO TROUBLE, AFTER HE EMOLATED SEVERAL HUNDRED OF ARNIE’S ARMY ON THE EIGHTEENTH HOLE OF THE FABULOUS TWISTED HILLS DESERT CLASSIC.
A MILLIONAIRE WHO CLAIMS THAT HE IS NOW A BORN-AGAIN TEXAN HAS DECIDED THAT ON HIS NEXT BIRTHDAY HE WILL FLY TO THE BAHAMAS TO STRANGLE SHARKS, AS A PRESENT TO HIMSELF, THE MAN, 38-YEAR-OLD NORMAN HERPES, SAYS THAT HE IS TIRED OF LIVING IN CAGES AND EATING DOG FOOD, AND LOOKS FORWARD TO THE FIGHT WITH THE GREAT WHITE SHARKS HE HOPES TO FIND, SAYS HERPES, “I CAN’T REALLY EXPLAIN IT — I’VE JUST ALWAYS WANT A REAL SHARKSKIN SUIT.”
NOTED ADVICE COLUMNIST ANN LANDERS IS IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER SHE EXPLODED ONSTAGE DURING A SPEECH BEFORE A WOMEN’S GATHERING, Ms LANDERS APPARENTLY DECIDED TO TRY HER HAND AT STAND-UP COMEDY, ONLY TO BECOME DANGEROUSLY EXCITED IN FRONT OF THE CAPACITY CLEVELAND, OHIO, AUDIENCE, ACCORDING TO WITNESSES, Ms LANDERS HAD NO TROUBLE WITH A JOKE ABOUT A MARRIED COUPLE, BUT EXPLODED AFTER TELLING THE CROWD SHE HAD JUST FLOWN IN FROM Los ANGELES.
WHILE SUMMER USUALLY MEANS DRUG SHORTAGES, SOME CITY OFFICIALS ARE MOVING TO EASE THE CRUNCH BY IMPLEMENTING RECENT ADVANCES IN TECHNOLOGY THAT ALLOW TRASH TO BE RECYCLED INTO ANGEL DUST, THE BREAKTHROUGH CAME FROM THE TWISTED HILLS LABORATORY IN DUST BowL, OKLAHOMA, WHERE IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT ALMOST ANYTHING FROM RAW SEWAGE TO CAMPAIGN LITERATURE COULD BE TRANSFORMED INTO THE VALUABLE DRUG.
JEETER-RAY “TEX” RoNOBONE, WHO FOR YEARS SERVED AS A CHAUFFEUR FOR EVANGELIST BILLY GRAHAM, HAS COME OUT WITH AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY, WHICH LAWYERS FOR GRAHAM ARE SEEKING TO REPRESS. GRAHAM IS ASKING RONOBONE TO OMIT CERTAIN PARTS OF THE BOOK, WHICH TELL OF TIMES WHEN GRAHAM IS SEIZED BY THE DEVIL, JUMPS OUT OF SPEEDING LIMOUSINES AND HIDES IN GAS STATION REST ROOMS. GRAHAM IS also ASKING THAT RoNOBONE REMOVE REFERENCES TO GRAHAM’S INABILITY TO TALK TO WOMEN UNLESS THERE ARE DOGS OR REPTILES PRESENT.
PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIALS ARE FEARING FOR THE WORST THIS WEEK AS THE SEARCH GOES ON FOR THOUSANDS OF SHREWS THAT ESCAPED FROM A LABORATORY IN SAN PEDRO, POLICE SAY THE LABORATORY WAS CONDUCTING RESEARCH ON CLONING, AND IN THE PROCESS HAD PRODUCED SEVERAL THOUSAND MUTANT SHREWS, ALL OF WHICH HAYE ESCAPED, OFFICIALS ARE WARNING CITIZENS TO CALL THE HIGHWAY PATROL BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE.
OSMOND FAMILY MEMBERS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT RUMORS THAT MARIE OSMOND HAS VOWED TO MARRY ALL OF CHER BONO-ALLMAN-SIMMONS-CARTER-SPINKS’ EX-HUSBANDS. Film at eleven.
THE ADMINISTRATION HAS ASKED THE OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY AND HEALTH AGENCY TO SHUT DOWN UNLIMITED HYDROPLANE RACES UNTIL IT CAN BE DETERMINED THAT THE SPORT IS SAFE, APPARENTLY, OFFICIALS BECAME ALARMED AFTER LEARNING THAT THE THUNDERBOATS USE NITROUS OXIDE ONBOARD, WHICH THE PILOTS OF THE OVER-POWERED CRAFT INHALE DURING THE RACE TO MlNIMIZE THE FEELING OF DANGER.
GUITARIST PETER TOWNSEND IS APPARENTLY HAVING TAX DIFFICULTIES; BUT NOT FOR LONG IF HE HAS HIS WAY. TOWNSEND, WHO HAS NOT PAID ANY TAXES FOR YEARS, SAYS HE IS ATTEMPTING TO BEAT THE RAP BY MARRYING THE QUEEN. SAYS TOWNSEND, “SHE’S NOT VERY PRETTY, AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE SHE’S SINGLE, BUT SHE’S MY ONLY CHANCE, I ONLY HOPE SHE WON’T WANT SOME BIG WEDDING RING.”
Los ANGELES CIRCUIT CouRT JUDGE DAMON WEED, WHO MADE HEADLINES RECENTLY AFTER USING VOODOO TO STRAIGHTEN OUT JUVENILE OFFENDERS, HAS STRUCK IT RICH WITH HIS UNUSUAL METHOD OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE. A SPOKESMAN FOR COLUMBIA BROADCASTING TOLD REPORTERS TODAY THAT JUDGE WEED HAS BEEN HIRED BY CBS TO LEND A HAND IN THE LATEST ROUND OF SALARY TALKS WITH STARS. THE JUDGE, WHO ALSO DABBLES IN ASTROLOGY, WILL REPORTEDLY BE GUESSING THE STARS’ DOLLAR SIGNS.
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR JERRY BROWN TOLD POWER NEWS THIS WEEK THAT HE HAS BROKEN OFF HIS SECRET ENGAGEMENT WITH BEAUTIFUL SINGER LINDA RONSTADT BECAUSE OF THE SINGER’S INSISTANCE THAT BROWN LEARN HOW TO RIDE A HORSE, BROWN SAID THAT HE TRIED FOR SEVERAL WEEKENDS TO MASTER THE SKILL, BUT FINALLY BECAME DISENCHANTED WITH THE WHOLE THING, INCLUDING Ms RONSTADT, SAID THE GOVERNOR, “IT’S LIKE MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME, IF YOU FIND A WOMAN WHO SAYS SHE LOVES HORSES, LEAVE HER — YOU’LL NEVER SATISFY HER.”
EVANGELIST-TURNED-ACTOR MARJOE GoRTNER SAYS THAT HE IS QUITTING THE ACTING BUSINESS TO GO BACK TO PREACHING BECAUSE HE ISN’T GETTING ENOUGH SEX, GORTNER CONCEDED THAT WHILE THE QUALITY OF SEX IN HOLLYWOOD IS BETTER, IT WAS QUANTITY HE IS AFTER, SAID MARJOE ABOUT HIS RETURN, nA LOT OF IT’S JUST PLAIN BORING, BUT AT LEAST IT ISN’T ALL BIBLE THUMPING.n
TURN-ABOUT IS APPARENTLY FAIR PLAY IN THE BOONE FAMILY, IT ALL STARTED WHEN DAUGHTER DEBBY BOONE FORMED A PUNK ROCK GROUP CALLED THE “SHARK SISTERS” TO KEEP HER FATHER FROM TAGGING ALONG ON ALL HER CONCERTS, Nor TO BE OUTDONE, HOWEVER, PAT BOONE GOT IN TOUCH WITH SINGER JOHNNY ROTTEN, AND FORMED A BAND OF HIS OWN, CALLING IT THE “WHITE SHREWS,” So FAR, THE TWO BANDS HAVEN’T SHARED A BILLING, AND REPORTS ARE THAT RIVALRY IS HIGH BETWEEN THEM.
WE’VE ALWAYS HEARD CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS, As IT TURNS OUT, IT’S IDENTICAL, IT WAS DISCOVERED TODAY THAT DEODERANT AND SHAMPOO MANUFACTURERS HAYE BEEN PUTTING DANGEROUS DRUGS INTO THEIR PRODUCTS FOR YEARS, SPOKESMEN FOR THE PROCTOR AND BERGMAN COMPANY ARE DENYING, HOWEVER, THAT THEY RECEIVED A KICKBACK FROM THE PRODUCERS OF THE TV SHOW uDADDY’s HOMEJu WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT ACTRESS DEBBY RENONGADONGO WOULD SAY ANYTHING AFTER SHAMPOOING WITH THEIR PRODUCT.
IN AN EXCLUSIVE LATE-NIGHT INTERVIEW, ACTRESS CHERYL LADD TOLD POWER NEWS SHE DOESN’T FEEL THERE IS MUCH OF A LIKENESS BETWEEN HER AND HER TV PERSONALITY, IN THE WORDS OF THE SEXY STARLETTE, “I’M A LOT MORE MODEST AT HOME THAN I AM ON THE SHOW, WHEN I TRIED TO WEAR A STRING BIKINI AROUND THE HOUSE, MY HUSBAND DAVID SAW IT AND TOLD ME TO TAKE IT OFF RIGHT AWAY, I GUESS HE WANTED TO WEAR IT.”
INDIANA POLICE ARE HOLDING A HAIRBALL, NEVADA, MAN ON THE CHARGE THAT HE PLACED PHONE CALLS TO WOMEN AND TALKED THEM INTO BURNING OFF ALL THEIR HAIR, SEVENTY WOMEN ARE KNOWN TO HAVE FALLEN FOR THE RUSE, ALTHOUGH IT IS BELIEVED THERE MIGHT BE MANY MORE WHO DID NOT REPORT THE INCIDENT, THE MAN IS BEING HELD ON ONE COUNT OF PRACTISING MEDICINE OVER THE PHONE AND REVERSING THE CHARGES.
BOXING PROMOTER DON KING HAS BEEN SLAPPED WITH A TEMPORARY RESTRAINING ORDER ON THE EVE OF HIS SCHEDULED FIGHT BETWEEN WILLARD THE FIGHTING KANGAROO AND, YOU GUESSED IT, LEON SPINKS, THE FIGHT WAS TO HAVE TAKEN PLACE THIS SUNDAY UNTIL THE SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF CRUELTY TO ANIMALS INTERCEDED — ON LEON’S BEHALF.
RocK PROMOTER MIKE CURB, WHO HAS HIS HANDS FULL WITH HIS JOB AS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, HAS TROUBLE BREWING ON OTHER FRONTS, TOO, CURB ARTISTS SHAUN CASSIDY AND LONG-TIME LIVE-IN DEBBY BOONE ARE NOW SEPARATED AND FIGHTING OVER THE RIGHTS TO PERFORM AN OLD HERMAN’S HERMITS SONG, WHILE DEBBY IS THREATENING THAT SHE MIGHT BE PREGNANT, SHAUN IS RUNNING UP BIG BILLS AT THE REPAIR SHOP BY RAMMING CURB’S FLEET OF MERCEDES CRUISERS ONE BY ONE INTO FREEWAY CENTER DIVIDERS UNTIL HE GETS HIS WAY, POLITICS SURE DO MAKE FOR STRANGE BEDFELLOWS.
FASHION DESIGNED WILLIE WHANG HAS BEEN CRITICALLY INJURED IN A FRACAS AT POSH NEW YORK DISCO STUDIO 54, THE FIGHT BROKE OUT AFTER WHANG APPARENTLY ANGERED COMEDIAN ED McMAHON BY ORDERING HIM TO STOP DANCING WITH CAROLINE KENNEDY, McMAHON RESPONDED BY ORDERING HIS DRIVER TO PARK HIS CADILLAC LIMOUSINE ON TOP OF WHANG, McMAHON AND KENNEDY THEN LEFT THE NIGHTCLUB TOGETHER, AND COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT.
PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL GERALD FORD TODAY TOLD A CROWD OF REPORTERS THAT HE IS OUT TO GET THE MAN WHO nRUINEDu HIS WIFE — PLAYBOY JOHN BELUSHI, FORD MADE THE CHARGES AT A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH HE ALSO DEMANDED TAX CREDITS FOR PEOPLE WHO DO ALL THEIR TRAVELING IN GOLF CARTS. Film at eleven.
SINGER MICK JAGGER IS REPORTED TO BE IN FAIR CONDITION IN HOLLYWOOD GENERAL TODAY FOLLOWING A FREAK ACCIDENT IN WHICH HE WAS HIT BY A PLANE, ACCORDING TO WITNESSES, JAGGER WAS ATTENDING A PARTY WHEN HE HAD A FIGHT WITH HIS DATE AND DECIDED TO WALK HOME, A FEW MINUTES LATER, HE WAS PICKED UP ON RADAR AT LAX, BUT NOT IN TIME TO AVOID A COLLISION WITH A LEAR JET THAT WAS MAKING ITS APPROACH.
A GRANADA HILLS WOMAN HAS BEEN ARRESTED BY POLICE FOR GIVING AWAY HER KIDS BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO DIRTY. ACCORDING TO NEIGHBORS, THE WOMAN OFTEN COMPLAINED THAT HER CHILDREN WERE SO DIRTY SHE COULDN’T EVEN TAKE THEM TO McDONALD’S.
EX-PRESIDENT GERALD FORD, JUST OUT OF THE HOSPITAL FOR A DIFFICULT PROBLEM WITH CANCEROUS VEGETABLE GROWTHS IN HIS HEAD, IS BACK IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN THIS WEEK, AND DOCTORS SAY THAT HE IS GOING ALL THE WAY IN ORDER TO BE IN SHAPE FOR THE 1980 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, ACCORDING TO FORD’S DOCTOR. THE EX-PRES WANTS TO TAKE NO CHANCES WITH A RECURRANCE OF THE CONDITION, AND HAS ASKED SURGEONS FOR A brain-BYPASS OPERATION.
A NEW WORLD’S RECORD WAS SET THIS WEEK IN THE CALAVERAS COUNTY SHREW JUMPING CONTEST BY COMEDIAN DON RICKLES AND HIS ENTRY, TRAINED SHREW LEON SPINKS, THE WIN WAS MARRED BY CONTROVERSY, HOWEVER, WHEN OTHER COMPETITORS. COMPLAINED THAT RICKLES HAD PULLED OUT LEON’S TEETH TO MAKE HIM LIGHTER, OFFICIALS, AFTER A HURRIED CONFERENCE AT WHICH BOTH RICKLES AND SPINKS WERE PRESENT, RULED THERE WAS NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THE TACTIC, SAID ONE JUDGE, “EVERYTHING’s NORMAL, ACT LIKE NOTHING’s WRONG.”
LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER, AS THE SAYING GOES, AND PROVING IT THIS WEEK WAS CELEBRITY DAUGHTER CHASTITY BONO-ALLMAN-SIMMONS-CARTER-SPINKS, ENCOURAGED BY MOTHER CHER’S EXTRAVAGANCES, YOUNG CHASTITY HAD HER HAIR OSTERIZED BY FAMOUS HAIRDRESSER HAMILTON BEACH, AND THEN PROCEEDED TO SPEND MORE THAN $20,000 AT A POSH BEVERLY HILLS BOUTIQUE ON SEE-THROUGH SHOES AND AN OLYMPIC-SIZE TRANSISTOR RADIO.
STRONGER THAN DIRT? APPARENTLY NOT, AS ONE-TIME IVORY SOAP GIRL BROOKE SHIELDS CAN TELL YOU. YOUNG SHIELDS, WHO WAS CALLED UPON TO DO NUDE SCENES IN HER LAST FILM, BECAME ENRAGED WHEN NOTIFIED SHE WOULD HAVE TO WEAR A BODY STOCKING FOR THE ON-CAMERA GOINGS ON, POUTS BROOKE ABOUT THE BROUHAHA AT THE STUDIO, ‘‘THEY WOULDN’T EVEN LET ME WEAR EDIBLE PANTIES INSTEAD, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE DONE?”
THIS MORNING, COMEDIAN RICHARD PRIOR WAS ARRESTED BY THE POLICE AND CHARGED WITH POSSESSING 9,3 SPEED, WHILE JOGGING IN HIS EXCLUSIVE NEIGHBORHOOD, POLICE CHIEF BURGEON SPLIF WAS QUOTED AS SAYING, “IT’S TIME TO SLOW THIS BOY DOWN — HE’S BEEN MAKING MONKEYS OF US LONG ENOUGH,” DoN’T GIVE HIM ALL THE CREDIT, CHIEF.
IN THE FACE OF THE RECESSION, ECONOMISTS PREDICT THAT MOST PEOPLE WILL START SPENDING EVENINGS AT HOME, AND MANY RESTAURANTS AND NIGHTSPOTS ARE BEGINNING TO FEEL THE PINCH ALREADY, BUSINESS IS BRISK AS USUAL, HOWEVER, AT VICTOR’S HOUSE OF barbecueD BATS, WHERE COUNTERGIRL DEDE-RAY CARTER TOLD POWER NEWS REPORTERS THAT HOT-ROASTED BATS ARE, IN HER WORDS, “SELLING LIKE FLIES.”
Speed-skiing champion Steve McKinney, who has exceeded 185 miles-per-hour on a downhill run, credits his success to underworld loanshark Mario Spagetti. Says McKinney, “He gave me money when nobody else would. Then, when I couldn’t pay it back, he tied me to the back of his Ferrari and dragged me all the way to Las Vegas. I guess I Just got used to traveling real fast.”
When auto magnate Henry Ford II complained to the waiter at Detroit’s exclusive “Old Place Restaurant” that there was a fly in his soup, the waiter, Shakey Philips, thought that Ford was complaining that he wanted more. As a result, Philips quickly filled a Vega full of fresh blue-bottle flies and parked the whole thing on Ford’s chest. When informed of his error, waiter Philips replied, “He got off easy. He’s lucky he didn’t order Pinto beans, instead.”
Like many musicians, conductor Zubin Mehta has scores of groupies chasing him because of his macho image, Wife Nancy, however, denies that she fell in love with Mehta because of his looks, and claims instead that she loves the way he waves his baton. When asked about his unusualy appeal, Mehat told POWER NEWS, “It Just goes to show: Talk any way you want and carry a big stick.”
Sources close to the Catholic Church told POWER NEWS entertainment reporters the church plans to present a pornographic off-Broadway revue, written by none other than the Pope himself. Although this is a departure from orthodox church policy, spokesman Bishop Kowalski is convinced that the play will provide the money the church so desperately needs. Said Bishop Kowalski, “It’s not really about sex. You know what I mean if you’ve ever seen a Polish Pope in a massage parlor.”
Actor Chris Reeve, star of the Superman movie, reportedly is now convinced he can save the world if millions of women will agree to become pregnant with his superbabies. Said one concerned studio head, “If he can’t leave those girls alove, we’re going to have to slip some Kryptonite into that boy’s underwear.” Film at eleven.
Although the hit TV show “Mork and Mindy” started out as a delightful farce, those involved with the show are afraid that star Robin Williams is not acting his role as Mork from Ork. Says one worried executive, “He keeps telling us he’s Canadian, and he loves to sit on his own face. He MUST be an alien.”
Hit songstress Linda Ronstadt recently told POWER NEWS sources she has dumped Governor Jerry Brown for comedian Garrett Morris. Says Linda, “He Just looks so sexy in T-shirt, I can’t help myself.”
Border officials and members of the Ku Klux Klan are reportedly buying up thousands of tiny toy dogs in an effort to stem the tide of illegal black velvet paintings coming across the border from Mexico. According to the manufacturer, the dogs are trained to sniff out illegal art, and then either explode or shed fake fur on expensive clothing if any contraban is detected.
Ryan O’Neal is in the hospital after being decked by entertainer Sandy Duncan for failing to pay up on a long distance phone bill that O’Neal ran up at Duncan’s Malibu Beach home. According to Duncan, O’Neal Just wandered in off the beach and placed several hour-long overseas phone calls. Says Duncan, “It’s not the money, I’ve got plenty of that. It’s Just that he tied up the phone for such a long time. What if Dom DeLouise had been trying to get ahold of me?”
Explosive show-business personality Olivia Neutron-Bomb, apparently anxious about sales of her new record album, was arrested last night in front of Tower Records after she began to do a strip-tease to entice people in to buy a copy. Police happened upon the scene just as Olivia started to whip startled passersby, who had failed to notice her naked and shouting in front of the store.
While TV and movie star John Travolta admits that he is being driven nearly INSANE by grade school girls who send him nude pictures of themselves, he says he has managed to keep his perspective by dating only the wives of ministers of the Church of Scientology. Says Travolta, “It’s hard to keep from running amok with some of these young girls, so I don’t even try.”
Entertainer Florence Henderson had one of her childhood dreams come true this morning, when the Los Angeles Herald-Tribune printed front page pictures of her and heart-throb Fernando Lamas. Says Florence, “I don’t remember some of those poses, but this is more exciting than the time Jack Paar pinched me in front of all those people.”
Health authorities are seeking to question rock musician Rick Derringer about an incident in which Derringer allegedly dumped thousands of pounds of an experimental youth drug into the Los An~eles municipal water supply, The drug, which has been tested only on laboratory shrews, has NOT vet been ruled safe for human consumption. Derringer is quoted as saving he’ll use any means he deems necessary to guarantee the supply of tiny, tiny women for his personal use.
Well, women’s lib took a giant step backwards this week, when it was revealed that Cher Bono and Farrah Fawcett are insanely Jealous of macho male stars Clint Eastwood and Burt Reynolds. Not for long, though. Spokesmen for Los Angeles’ Cedar-Sinai Hospital told POWER NEWS that the two women are resting comfortably after extensive chest hair implant operations.
Superstar Henry Winkler has token up the hobby of raising worms in the back yard of his Bel Air home. Friends of the actor, however, fear the hobby may have unhinged the fanatical Winkler, who has even published a worm cookbook. Worse, it is feared that Winkler is secretly shipping his worm harvests to an exclusive restaurant in New York, where they are served to unsuspecting diners.
Martian terrorists today fatally scrambled the transport signal of the Earth ambassador during a kidnap attempt near Gamma Six. A team of government mathematicians have been working around the clock in an effort to recreate the ambassador, but computer doctors are predicting a low probability of full recovery, We’ll have extra homework at eleven.
Osmond family members are busy denying rumors that Donny Osmond and wife Debby are involved in a Bermuda Lov Triangle. ReportedlY, the two often get together with a third person to enact bizarre sexual ceremonies, after which the third person always disappears without a trace. Donny, who is now dating Howard Cosell, refused to talk with reporters about the alleged Bermuda Love Triangle, but he did deny a rumor that Mrs Osmond has disappeared.
On the POWER NEWS entertainment scene: The Clip Theatres downtown are showing Farrah Fawcett’s new movie, “They Only Bite Their MaJors.” The:story is about an actress who breaks into movies via the porno film circuit against her husband’s wishes. When he finds out, Farrah, playing the port of Darlene Iguana, stamps her foot, shakes her head, and runs him over with her fur-line Corvette, while talking to friends on the phone and watching herself on TV. Preview at Midnite.
Disneyland executives have announced the temporary closing of the Matterhorn ride after it was learned that thousands of thrill-seekers daily are disappearing into the dark interior of the man-made mountain. Police at the site are proceeding on the theory that a family of shrews the size of Mouseketeers have moved into the attraction, and are plundering riders in search of split-crotch panties.
Club owners, disc Jockeys, waitresses and bartenders at dancing hot soots are demanding on investigation into allegations that disco music might be boring them to death. In response, researchers are seeking a music recall after discovering that disco music originally comes from Canada … which is easily the most boring country in the world.
IT WAS KISS AND TELL TIME THIS WEEK FOR HUGH HEFNER AND EX-GIRLFRIEND BARBI BENTON, WHEN BARBI TOLD REPORTERS ABOUT THE YEARS SHE SPENT WITH THE FAMOUS PUBLISHER. BENTON, WHO HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF USING HEFNER TO FURTHER HER CAREER, SAID NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. SAYS BENTON, “THAT OLD GOAT ALWAYS MADE ME PAY FOR EVERYTHING. HE OWES ME THOUSANDS.”
WELL, THERE’S TROUBLE IN PARADISE, AND RESIDENTS OF MALIBU ARE ONCE AGAIN SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL. IT STARTED WHEN VACATIONING INSECTS APPEARED ON THE BEACHES OF THE EXCLUSIVE COMMUNITY, TAKING OVER MOST OF THE GOOD BATHING SPOTS IN THE HOPES OF PICKING UP SOME RAYS. HOURS LATER, GIANT AMPHIBIOUS LIZARDS BEGAN TO CRAWL TO SHORE IN SEARCH OF DRUGS. THE LIZARDS, FINDING NO PLACE TO CHANGE OUT OF THEIR WET CLOTHING, BECAME SURLY, AND PROVOKED SHOVING MATCHES WITH THE INSECTS. As SUNBATHERS FLED FOR THEIR LIVES, THE TWO GROUPS ATTACKED EACH OTHER, THEIR HUGE BODIES DESTROYING HOMES AND CARS AS THEY CRASHED TO EARTH IN THE MELEE, RESIDENTS OF THE BEL AIR AREA ARE BEING PUT ON EVACUATION ALERT IN CASE THE LIZARDS WIN.
THE ANNUAL Los ANGELES SHREW BABIES BENEFIT TENNIS TOURNAMENT, BEING HELD THIS YEAR AT HUGH HEFNER’S PLAYBOY MANSION WEST, IS OFF TO A BAD START. DURING A WARM-UP EXHIBITION BEFORE THE PRO-CELEBRITY EVENT, COMEDIAN BILL COSBY BECAME ENRAGED WHEN LINESMEN REFUSED TO CALL FOOT-FAULT VIOLATIONS ON SHAPELY ACTRESS CHERYL TIEGS. COSBY, WHO GRIPS HIS RACQUET IN HIS TEETH, FIRST PROTESTED BY BITING THE LINE JUDGE, THEN ATTACKED AND BLUDGEONED COVER-GIRL TIEGS WITH A PORTION OF THE GRANDSTAND. TIEGS, WHO IS MADE ENTIRELY OF POLYVINYLCHLORIDE, WILL BE GOING BACK TO THE FACTORY FOR EXTENSIVE PLASTIC SURGeRY.
DOGS FROM THE SIN CITIES OF SATURN TODAY INVADED SMALL CALIFORNIA TOWNS, TAKING TOWNSPEOPLE CAPTIVE, OFTEN TYING THEM UP TO SMALL TREES WITH WET SPAGhETTI AND MAKING THEM RECITE THE INGREDIENTS OF A McDONALD’S QuARTERPOUNDER.
MONTEBELLO, THE CITY OF SEX CHANGE, IS IN THE NEWS AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. THIS TIME, THE CITY IS PLANNING A SEX-CHANGE-A-THON, NEXT WEEKEND, WITH THE WINNING CHANGELING APPEARING AS THE QUEEN OF THE MONTEBELLO 1980 RosE PARADE FLOAT. LAST YEAR’S CEREMONIES WERE MARRED WHEN CONTESTANTS COMPLAINED THAT THE COMPETITION WAS FIXED, WHICH OF COURSE IT WAS. OFFICIALS HAVE ASSURED POWER NEWS THAT THEY HAVE ALTERED THEIR JUDGING POLICIES.
KAMAKAZI GEISHA INSTRUCTRESS CANDY LAMARR OF NIPPLEEARRING, NORTH CAROLINA, IS SCARING LOCAL TOWNSPEOPLE WITH A NEW ADULT EDUCATION PROGRAM THAT FEATURES INSERTIVENESS IN THE BEDROOM, GROUP BONDAGE COOKING, AND SAMURAI KITCHEN SEX. APPARENTLY, TOWNSPEOPLE HAVE BECOME ALARMED AFTER A SERIES OF ATTACKS BY THE GROUP ON SEVERAL LOCAL BARS AND RESTAURANTS. SAYS MASON SPRONG, A TOWN SPOKESPERSON, “THE GIRL’S GONE CRAZY; SHE’S TRYING TO KILL US ALL.”
PRESIDENT JIMMIE CARTER IS APPARENTLY TRYING TO GROOM HIS WIFE, RosALYN, TO ASSUME MANY OF THE DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENCY, AS HE HAS BEEN SEEN RECENTLY HOVERING AROUND THE FIRST LADY WITH A HOT COMB, SOME CLIPPERS, A FRIGHT WIG, AND HAIR CONDITIONER MADE FROM SHREDDED SHAUN CASSIDY 45s. APPARENTLY, THE PRES HAS TOLD SEVERAL ONLOOKERS THAT IF HE CAN GET HIS WIFE TO LOOK AS MUCH LIKE HIM AS POSSIBLE, HE WILL BE ABLE TO SNEAK AWAY MORE OFTEN TO ATTEND TO HIS SECRET PASTTIME, WHICH IS IGUANA RACING. SAYS THE FIRST LADY, “IT BEATS WORKING FOR PEANUTS, BUT I SURE DO WISH THAT HE WOULD STOP LUSTING AFTER THOSE DARN LIZARDS.”
HUSBAND AND WIFE TEAM FARAH FAUCETT AND LEE MAJORS HAVE SIGNED TO DO A REMAKE OF THE DISNEY MOVIE CLASSIC, THAT DARN LIZARD. THE FILM, ALSO STARRING CATHERINE FELDMAN AND MARTY Ross, APPARENTlY HAS A NEW X-RATED TWIST, AS A RETIRED BUT SEXUALLY ACTIVE KIMONO DRAGON INVADES A SUBURB POPULATED ENTIRELY BY SEX-CRAZED DIVORCEES. LEE MAJORS GETS THE PART AS THE DRAGON, WITH BASS PLAYER GENE GIMMONS OF Kiss DOING THE STUNT WORK AND DOUBLING ON THE TONGUE SEQUENCES.
THIS SUNDAY AT THE STUN AUDITORIUM, WE WANT TO REMIND YOU THAT EVERYBODY WILL BE KUNG Fu FIGHTING AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FAST AS LIGHTENING AS THE LA TRACTION CLUB PLAYS HOST TO THE SASKATCHUAN SUN DOGS. BRING YOUR PAINT HORNS AND LET THEM SALUTE THE SULfUROUS CRIES OF FEAR AS THE DRUG-CRAZED COMBATANTS VIE FOR EACH OTHER’S AUTOGRAPHS WITH THEIR ACID-DIPPED SAMURAI SWORDS. IT’S DANGEROUS, AND FAIRLY REALISTIC, SO CHILDREN UNDER THE INFLUENCE ARE NOT ADMITTED.
RERUNS OF THE GEORGE WALLACE/ARTHUR BREMER PUBLICITY STUNT IN THE 1972 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN ARE SCHEDULED FOR WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY OF NEXT WEEK AT THE HOLLYWOOD NAZI EXTRA X-CHROMOSOME THREATRE. SEE THE GAG BACKFIRE ON THE PRESIDENTIAL ASPIRANT AS THE MOCK ASSASSIN USES REAL BULLETS WITHOUT TELLING ANYBODY.
WELL, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH THE EPIDEMICS NEVER STOP HERE IN THE OLD USA. No SOONER HAS THE DREADED TINY HANDS FLU FLOWN THE COOP WHEN HERE COMES DE SHREW. YES, IN ALL SIZES, THESE FURRY LITTLE SHARP-TOOTHED RODENTS HAVE SWARMED THE STATES, TURNING OVER CARS, TRYING ON LADIES UNDERWEAR, AND DESTROYING HOMES OF FAMOUS CELEBRITIES WHO REFUSED TO NOMINATE THE SHREWS FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR THEIR FAMOUS CLASSIC, “ATTACK OF THE KILLER SHREWS.”
THIS MORNING, A FAMED SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA LANDMARK WAS BURNED TO THE GROUND. THE MONTY HALL VEGETABLE WAX MUSEUM, A CLASSIC ATTRACTION FEATURING WAX REPLICAS OF THE CHOICEST FRUITS AND VEGETABLES THAT HAVE APPEARED ON THE “LET’S MAKE A DEAL” SHOW, WAS LOST WHEN ARSONISTS HURLED FLAMING RADAR-RANGES INTO A SAUTEED ZUCCINI NATIVITY SCENE. DeSTROYED ALONG WITH THE WAX FRUIT EXHIBIT WAS A REPLICA DISPLAY OF THE WORLD’S MOST UNIMPORTANT PEOPLE.
INMATES AT THE CHARLIE WATTS MAXIMUM SECURITY WORK FACILITY IN SYLMAR EARLIER THIS WEEK REPORTEDLY RAN AMOK AND SET AFIRE A LARGE 48 CELL BLOCK OF VELVEETA CHEESE. WARDEN SNORK PETERMASTER TOLD POWER NEWS THAT HE DIDN’T THINK THE INCIDENT HAD ANY RACIAL OR RELIGIOUS OVERTONES — YET.
JAZZ GREAT BOBO “PLASTERHEAD” JACKSON WILL BE IN TOWN NEXT WEEK WITH HIS BAND THE SOLAR DONG ARKESTRA FOR HIS SECOND ATTEMPT AT BORING SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSAND SMALL ANIMALS TO DEATH IN A GOVERNMENT-FUNDED EXPERIMENT ONCE AGAIN AIMED AT DETERMINING THE EFFECTS OF MARIJUANA SMOKING ON SPIDER MONKEYS. ACCORDING TO THE SURVEY, THE CHIMPS, WHO OFTEN CONSUME OVER 300 GRAMS OR 200 JOINTS OF HIGH-POTENCY GOVERNMENT-GRADE MARIJUANA DAILY, OFTEN SLAP HANDS AND LAUGH AMONG THEMSELVES WHEN THE OLD JAZZ GREAT DOES HIS THING.
WELL, IT’S LUST OR RUST, JIMMY CARTER STYLE. PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER HAD A HARD TIME EXPLAINING TO WIFE ROSALYN WHY HE HAD CHOSEN TO SPEND LAST WEEKEND WITH BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS LYNDA CARTER. SAID THE PRES, SOMEWHAT SHEEPISHLY, “l THOUGHT SHE WAS A LONG-LOST RELATIVE OF SOME SORT, AND THOSE STARS ON HER PANTIES, wow!” FoR PUNISHMENT, ROSALYN IS FORCING JIMMY TO WATCH FIVE STRAIGHT DAYS OF “MY THREE SONS” RERUNS IN ONE OF THE WHITE HOUSE BATHROOMS.
NATIONAL CENSUS TAKERS HAVE RELEASED A REPORT THAT REVEALS THAT LARGE NUMBERS OF MARTIANS ARE NOW LIVING IN MANY OF OUR MAJOR CITIES, DISGUISED AS WINOS AND HELPLESS ALCOHOLICS. THEY SPEND MOST OF THEIR TIME DRINKING AND RIDING AROUND ON THE CITY’S MASS TRANSIT SYSTEMS, OR TURNING INTO SMALL ANIMALS WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN, A behavior THAT MOST MARTIANS RETAIN EVEN OUTSIDE THEIR OWN ENVIRONMENT.
YESTERDAY, ACUPUNCTURE EXPERT TOOTS WALLAWALLA FROM THE INSTITUTE OF CREATIVE VOODOO FOR DOGS INFORMED LOCAL AUTHORITIES THAT IT WAS HE WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR A SERIES OF PLASTIC DOLL STABBINGS THAT HAVE TAKEN PLACE OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS. THE DOLLS, ALL OF WHOM HAD BLONDe HAIR, WERE FOUND CUT UP AND MIXED WITH MOJO BEADS, AMULETS, SKUNK ROOT AND DEADLY MARIJUANA, IN SANDWICH BAGS IN SUPERMARKETS AND SHOPPING CENTERS ALL OVER TOWN.
EX-TERRORIST AND MAYBE TALK SHOW HOST MIKE SWINE TODAY TOLD AUTHORITIES IN A HIGH VOICE THAT CREATURES FROM SPACE HAD DeSTROYED HIS NEW CONTINENTAL MARK IV, WHEN THEY RAMMED THE FAMOUS ENTERTAINER WITH THEIR LOW-FLYING AIRCRAFT. SWINE, A BIONIC PERFORMER WHO EARLIER THIS YEAR MARRIED ACTRESS CONNIE STEVENS, BOUGHT HIS WAY ONTO TV IN THE SIXTIES AFTER INHERITING A FAMILY CHEESE FORTUNE. POLICE ARE CURRENTLY CHECKING FOR CLUES. Good LUCK, BOYS.
PLO TERRORISTS WHO LAST WEEK ATTACKED TWO BUSES ON Israel’s COAST, AND SOUTH AFRICAN GueRILLAS — MAKE THAT SOUTH AFRICAN TERRORISTS — HAVE CHALLENGED EACH OTHER TO A TERROR-OFF, TO BE HELD NEXT WEEKEND IN THE PANAMA CANAL ZONE. THE UNIVERSALLY-TELEVISED TERROR-OFF, WHICH WILL INCLUDE BY-STANDER SHOOTING, HI-JACKING, GRENADE TOSSING AND HOSTAGE TORTURE, IS BEING STAGE BY CONTROVERSIAL PROMOTER DON KING, WHO PROMISES THAT IT WILL BE THE CLASH OF THE CENTURY. KING IS CURRENTLY TAKING ALL BETS.
DoN’T FORGET THE THIRD ANNUAL HOLLYWOOD Boar POLISHING AND PAPER EATING CONTEST IS BEING SPONSORED ONCE AGAIN THING YEAR BY THE ROTARY CONNECTION CLUB. Music WILL BE PROVIDED BY EVIN RUDE AND HIS MIDNIGHT MOTORBOAT BAND. AND ALL OF THIS IS HAPPENING, OF COURSE, AT THE FABULOUS FIELD MUFFIN MOTEL IN HOLLYWOOD.
WELL, AS HOWARD COSELL WOULD SAY, THE MUSTARD WAS OFF THE HOT DOG. PUNK ROCK POWER WHACKER VY BRAYTOR OF THE WET TEENS, DESPITE HIS ANTI-RULING CLASS POSTURINGS IS ACTUALLY, IT TURNS OUT, A CLOSET MILLIONAIRE, As HEIR AND OWNER OF THE INFAMOUS WET STOCKINGS AND SLICK FISH RESTAURANTS, A RENOWN HOLLYWOOD EATERY. SAID VY, “HEY, I MIGHT BE A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE, BUT I’M STILL A PUNK.”
DOUG DOWNS, OF DOWNER GROVE, ILLINOIS, TOLD A FEDERAL DRUG ASSOCIATION DOCTOR’S CONVENTION THAT HE DIDN’T THINK THAT THE NEW ANGEL DUSK ROCKET FUEL THAT HIS COMPANY DEVELOPED MONTHS AGO WILL WORK AS AN AUTO FUEL BECAUSE IT IS TOO POWERFUL. APPARENTLY, DOWNS ATTEMPTED TO TEST SOME OF THE PCP-BASED ANGEL DUST PROPELLANT IN HIS OWN FAMILY STATION WAGON, WHICH CAUSED IT TO SHOOT OVER THE CITY OF CHICAGO, LANDING THREE STATES AWAY. MR. DOWNS HAS BEEN PLACED UNDER ARREST BY LOCAL DRUG OFFICIALS.