Radio Static by Greg Raven

Personals

Local restaurant accepting applications from experienced waiters with a background in deja vu and customer humiliation. Reptiles OK. Will consider small girls or rodents. See boys in the back and ask for Derek.

The El Segundo Animal Bondage League wants to remind you that classes are filling up for their poodle torture, lizard baiting, and laser obedience courses. Enroll now and receive free of charge a twenty-volume encyclopedia on animal alcoholism. To register or for more information, call Gasher at 553-1234.

This Wednesday evening in Long Beach, child scare authoress Arlene Papau will host a series of fear seminars for children with an eye toward the future. Topics will include unemployment, unwanted pregnancy, and death. It will be held in a dark room filled with spiders and broken glass.

Also; Young, good-looking white male seeks same with no mustache and sound-proof dungeon for animal imitations and possible future with rock group. Call Gene.

Famous-name football team needs head coach for coming season. Must speak Republican and be willing to travel … upside-down. Call Carol at 714-203-4250.

Certified public accountant into CB radios and alligator tongue jewelry desires casual three-way with Montebello secretaries into chocolate-filled hot tubs and Jacuzzi fondues. Must be registered with plenty of off-street parking. Call QUeen 6-1302 and ask for Dutch.

Bored housewife in mid-twenties needs gay butcher to help with leather maintenance and basement chores. Must be available weekday mornings. Prefer someone experience in garage washing. Fur color no object. Mail self-addressed, stamped envelope to Darlene, Downer Grove, California.

Fat man seeks woman with huge personality and legs to match. Large hands, OK. Prefer human, but will consider others. Go down the street and bark for Tex.

Torrance is holding its Fourteenth Annual Bookburning and Nazi Friends-of-the-Reich Overeating Celebration and Atomic Personal Defense Seminar … And I know that all of you supremacists out there will want to attend, so check it out.

Lawndale entrepreneur wants switch-hitting silent partner with trailer park experience to open an all-nude go-cart endurance track in Malibu. If interested — and who isn’t? — call the Twilight Bar and leave a message for Dwight.

Talent scout seeks excellent female hummer for big part at upcoming recording session. Successful applicant must demonstrate the ability to smile without showing teeth. Call Dirk Schlong at Black Label Records for a private interview.

Girls! Glamorous show-business careers in outer space. No more under-the-table sexual trade-offs with earthling producers and program directors to get those high-paying positions. Own your own radio or TV station and run it backwards on any one of twelve distant planets. Write Stareyes Productions, Owl City, Nevada.