Frazer Smith’s Power News — July 21, 1978
Point-and-Shoot Grudge Sale
Authorities are puzzled about a charity fund-raiser that took place early this week in Beverly Hills. It seems the heavily-attended “Bel Air Point-And-Shoot Figure 8 Death Race Grudge Sale” didn’t turn out quite the way some people expected. The event, put on jointly by comedians Richard Prior and Frazer Smith, was held in the underground parking lot of the Beverly Wilshire hotel, where contributors were given guns and invited to shoot up expensive automobiles. Later, the two promoters hot-wired everything with a motor in it, and staged a demolition derby. It wasn’t discovered until afterward that the cars belonged to guests of the hotel, and were being used without their permission. Furthermore, no one can remember what charity the money was for, and neither Prior nor Smith can be located.
Food can make you crazy
A UCLA researcher has rocked the food industry with the news that food can make you crazy. Executives of major food processing concerns around the country are studying student Peggy Nutbuster’s claims, but Peggy stands behind her work. Says she, “Not only do those weird chemicals effect the way you think, but food also costs a lot and is sometimes hard to prepare properly, which can upset you and drive you berserk.”
Smog alert
Meteorologists say that the air quality this week was the worst that the Los Angeles area has seen in over twenty years. The cause, according to the weather bureau, is a pervasion layer, who hovers over the city, trapping all of the Angel Dust fumes in the LA basin, or, Dust Bowl, as it’s called, instead of letting it be blown out to the desert over Las Vegas. Doctors are warning that people with heart conditions, respiratory conditions, or jobs that require any thought at all should stay near the beach or leave town until the condition clears up, if ever.
Miami CETA program in trouble
A southern Florida job-training program is in trouble with federal officials this week, as it was learned that the state employees running the program have been giving the money to their relatives instead of hiring jobless people. The relatives are often given up to ten dollars an hour to work on their tans. Art Bargle, director of the job program, defends his actions, however. Says Art, “If I didn’t give my friends this money, they might turn into homosexuals, or something.”
Elton John disease
Doctors are afraid that it’s too late to save Elton John, and Elton, in turn, is afraid of the doctors. Apparently, the physicians feel that John has picked up some sort of exotic venereal disease, probably from one of the Bay City Rollers. But John says that he is petrified by the thought of going to the doctor, and refuses to get treatment. Says John, “So what if my hair is falling out? I’m already crazy, and look at these glasses — you know I’m already blind. I don’t care if my face does fall off, I’m not going to spend my money on some doctor unless he can make me good looking.”
Sugar Jones
Youth authorities have a dilemma on their hands, these days, in the form of massive sugar addiction that has swept the teenage population of Los Angeles. Drug abuse expert Susan Napkin says the addiction occurs when the kids buy Angel Dust that has been cut with sugar, and often has been stepped on five or six times when the kids get it. As a result, says Napkin, the streets are becoming filled with fat, violet little monsters wandering the streets stoned on sugar. According to Napkin, “The only thing worse than a kid with a sugar jones is a bunch of kids with a sugar jones.” Hmm. Sounds dangerous. (Pass me a Snickers.)
Beer and pushing shopping carts
Mayor Tom Bradley has declared Los Angeles a disaster area in the wake of bizarre behavior that doctors have blamed on increased solar flare activity. And, while nobody is sure why, thousands of middle-age family men have quit their jobs and are drinking beer and pushing shopping carts full of stolen shrew fur coats around city streets at high speeds. So far, police have been content to pursue the men and over them repeatedly, but authorities feel that more drastic measures must be taken. It is feared that the men will try to sell the coats and use the money to have their shopping carts chopped and channeled.
Frazer starting a religious group
Job-hunters in the Los Angeles area were surprised to see a want ad for someone to play the part of the Queen of Russia, and police are currently seeking the person who placed the ad, a person reported to be none other than our own, Frazer Smith. It seems that Smith, after reading a history book, decided that he would start his own religion, based on the life of Russia’s Mad Monk, Rasputin, So far, the only thing known about this religion is that it requires its members to sin before they can be blessed, and the more they sine, the more blessings they will receive. Apparently, otherwise jaded southern Californians are flocking to the new church, in spite of the fact that someone has being trying to poison Smith with atomic wastes, and has been lobbing mortar rounds into his church during services.
Ramirez and Spinks team up
Well, it seems like only yesterday ... and of course, it was only yesterday ... that Al Ramirez and Leon Spinks announced that they were forming a gambling partnership that Ramirez was promising would run Leon’s recent winnings into the millions. Today, however, the partnership is already dissolved. Apparently, it was Ramirez’ idea to go to race tracks around the country and, by using walkie talkies, place winning bets using Leon’s money. It wasn’t until they tried their scheme, however, that Al discovered that he could not understand Spinks over the cheap two-way radios that they had purchased, and the pair lost thousands before Ramirez disappeared with whatever was left.
Army training with shrews
A UCLA researcher has published findings this week that indicate Americans are sleeping less and eating more meat. Contrary to popular belief, however, this may be harmful for humans, and Congress has been asked to start an investigation into the Army practice of using killer shrews to train soldiers to sleep only two hours a day, and attack the enemy with their teeth.
Drunk police are loose with guns
A medical advisor for the Mississippi police has recommended that patrolmen drink 25 to 30 beers a day to aid them in the performance of their duties. Says Dr. Budweiser, the beer tightens up the eyes, making vision better, in addition to helping relax the cops. “Besides,” adds Weiser, “The don’t get very drunk, and the beer helps sharpen up their marksmanship. It isn’t as dangerous as drinking and driving. At least. I don’t think so.”
New birth control method
Scientists claim to have perfected a new birth control method that is administered as a spray through the nose. The spray, which can be taken by either men or women, is judged to be over 90 percent effective. In controlled tests, it was shown that, using the new nasal contraceptive, no one in the group became pregnant while snorting cocaine. Have to tell Laura Quinn about this stuff.
Wayne Newton is neurotic
Las Vegas singer Wayne Newton this week told POWER NEWS that he often has nightmares, and has been seeing a psychoanalyst because of them. In the dreams, Newton says that he is standing on a stage, when people in the audience begin to throw baloney and other lunch meats at him. Newton says that in his dreams he then eats all of the meat, even though he knows that he will gain weight and become stupid. Quips Newton, “Either I’m going to have to start playing better houses, or I’m going to have to start dreaming about going on a diet.”
Cops running over people
While many opponents of TV claim that it is too violent and unrealistic, some real-life policemen are doing something about it. POWER NEWS has found out that many highway patrolmen are calling in false reports of high speed pursuits so they will be given authority to race along residential streets in the hopes that they will hit innocent by-standers or damage private property. So far, officials are puzzled as to a solution to the problem, but are said to be thinking about the possibility of giving the patrolmen skateboards or heavy narcotics.
White House feeling the money pinch
Although many Americans know that the dollar isn’t going as far as it used to, perhaps no one knows just how bad the United States’ economy is. POWER NEWS has learned that things are tight even in the White House, and the First Family is doing all it can to help ease the crunch. President Jimmy, for example, has started extorting money from Soviet dissidents in exchange for moral support at their trials, while Amy has been asking Mommy for a little sister. Says Amy, “I wish I had somebody who I could put out on the streets and make some money.”
Linda Ronstadt going out for politics in a big way
One-time singer Linda Ronstadt has apparently fallen head-over-heels in love with California Governor Jerry Brown. This year, however, instead of doing benefit concerts to aid in Brown’s campaign, Ronstadt is reportedly taking weight-lifting courses and karate lessons in preparation for the election. Ms. Ronstadt is said to be spearheading a door-to-door get-out-the-vote drive that should be unique in California politics. Says Ronstadt, “I think that if the voters are confronted with a clear-cut choice, they will vote the way I want them to, and I won’t have to carry a gun or anything.”
Angel Dust load explodes
A semi trailer full of pure Angel Dust being driven to the Los Angeles area, apparently took a corner too fast and overturned. The resulting explosion has leveled the Dallas/Forth Worth area, where the accident took place, but so far, police say nobody cares. Authorities are investigating, but as one official says, “There doesn’t seem to be much left out there to look at.”
OJ Simpson quitting football
Halfback OJ Simpson of the Buffalo Bills announced this week during a phone interview that he won’t be playing football this season. Simpson, who was a Heisman Trophy winner in college and set several records in his pro career, told POWER NEWS that it was not an easy decision, and not one that he made alone. According to Simpson, he is quitting football because he is unable to get to and from games. Says Simpson, “I invited this friend of mine, Al Ramirez, over for dinner one night, and when he got here, he just started cleaning the place out. He took everything. I don’t even have a car to get to practice or anything.” No friends, just acquaintances, OJ.
World record attempt
Jason Porkboner, from British Columbia, has set an unofficial world record by keeping a pair of shrews in his pants for four hours, twelve minutes. Unfortunately, editors for the Guiness Book of Records became lost on their way to observe the event, and arrived too late to witness the feat, arriving only minutes after Porkboner had been consumed by the rodents. The shrews have not yet been found.