Frazer Smith’s Power News — July 28, 1978
Scientists at Pasadena’s Jet Propulsion Laboratories informed America this week that the $280 million Skylab orbiting space station is malfunctioning, and would probably fall to the earth within two months unless repairs could be made on it.
Unfortunately that was a good news. The bad news is that the spacecraft is called Skylab because it is actually a floating drug warehouse for visitors from outer space.
JPL claims they were contacted by the creatures who demanded that the craft be filled with Angel Dust, which the aliens apparently use for fuel. Scientists fear that if the aliens arrive to find their order is fallen into the atmosphere, they MAY try to snort the entire surface of our planet.
Talk about an outer space connection …
Exterminators were called to the home actress Linda Carter after dozens of huge ants carried her out of the bedroom while she was sleeping. According to a housekeeper, the ants examined everyone in the house before choosing Ms. Carter.
Furthermore, the housekeeper claims that she overheard the ants whispering to each other that Ms. Carter was undoubtedly the largest aphid they had ever seen.
Cuba tightens boxing rules
A move is underway in Cuba to tighten up boxing regulations after the unfortunate death of a young fighter there this week. Although the fatality occurred when the boxer was run over with the car when he was in a neutral corner, it is not expected that there will be any criminal charges filed against his opponent. Proposed changes under consideration include the elimination of all explosives, guns, metal, electrical instruments, motor vehicles, and family members from the ring.
Sounds like the end of a real fine sport down there.
Well, Susan Ford, daughter of Gerald Ford, had her 21st birthday this week, and POWER NEWS was invited. What started out to be a quiet celebration, however, soon turned into a melee, as Susan served her guests cake and refreshments laced with LSD, and then punched her parents. After several hours, when everyone was sprawled nude and babbling on the floor of the rented hall, Susan took pictures of everyone, which she is offering for sale. Said Susan, “It’s not really blackmail, I’m just trying to get a large dowry so that some lucky boy will marry me.”
Elton John’s hair transplants
Elton John, for months denied that he underwent hair transplant operations, admitted to POWER NEWS this week that he had not one, but two of the operations, and they both were miserable failures. The wealthy singer has not given up hope, however, and is planning to go to the hospital a third time. This time, doctors say that they will use a new shrew hair transplant technique with which they have been experimenting. Says Elton, “I think that it will be okay. It will be much tougher than regular hair, and I kind of look like a shrew, anyway.”
Gene Simmons tired of Cher
Bass player Gene Simmons of Kiss, who is been romantically leaked linked with Cher Bono, is evidently tired of the relationship. At least, that’s the way it looks to friends of the couple, after Gene hired a plane to crash into Cher’s house towing a banner that said “Happy birthday, Cher.”
The explosion demolished the house and killed everyone inside. Kiss spokesman say that the band plans to use this stunt in their new stage show.
Gerald Ford copies Chevy Chase
Gerald Ford, ex-president of United States, in an effort to gain popularity in his bid for the Republican nomination, tried to imitate comedian Chevy Chase. While it was once Chase who imitated Ford, evidently Ford hoped that turnabout is fair play. Ford started off by divorcing longtime wife, Betty, and then spending his last dime trying to make a comedy movie. Although now broke and lonely, Ford hasn’t given up on the idea of trying to capture some of Chevy’s fame. He is announced, however, that until he gets back on his feet, he is going to try his hand at plastic surgery.
Mexicali sewers polluting the United States
United States border officials are wondering what to do about a broken sewage processing plant in Mexicali that is spewing tons of untreated sewage daily across the US/Mexico border. For, while the patrolmen are accustomed to picking up Wetbacks along the border, they’re puzzled about what to do about the flow of greenbacks across the border, as hundreds of Mexicans are flushing their now-worthless American dollars down the toilet. According to Bill Barkenwhiff, customs official, “It’s causing a pretty big mess out here, and frankly, it’s embarrassing to have to dig through all that shit looking for money. “
Coast Guard smuggling young girls
United States Senate has appointed a committee to investigate allegations that the US Coast Guard has been smuggling young women into the United States for no apparent reason. According to POWER NEWS inside sources, some Coast Guard crewmembers are enticing the under-age girls to become stowaways, and then dropping them off stateside, where they wonder around causing trouble with the Indians, and leaving huge wills to obscure gas station attendants. Said Senator Pete Laxalt, who asked not to be identified, “I don’t give a damn about those chicks, I just don’t want a bunch of uppity Indians on my hands.”
Plane lands in field of opium poppies
No one was hurt when a Boeing 747 jumbo jet made an unscheduled landing in Arkansas this week. However, several of the passengers were hospitalized after they complained that they were feeling really, really good. The plane was apparently flying quite low over the flat Arkansas farm belt, when the pilot announced that the navigator was rabid, and that the plane would have to land. The pilot then attempted to put the aircraft down in the field of government-grown opium poppies without extending the landing gear. Afterwards, several passengers who complained that they were feeling elated were rushed to a hospital, where it was determined that they were businessmen. It is not known at this time if they will ever recover fully.
Models and actresses who were answering a nationally-advertised casting call for tall, well-developed women were surprised to find they were not auditioning for a part in the new movie Amazon as they had thought.
Instead, they were being recruited for a secret army, to be formed under the direction of President Jimmy Carter. Carter, whose popularity is an all-time low, is apparently convinced that he has no chance of being reelected in 1980, and has decided that the only way he can hold on to the presidency is by taking over the country, using an army of huge women.
And, says one highly-placed Carter aide, it might work. Says the aide, “If it came right down to it, I don’t think that anybody would put up much of a fight. Even Jimmy can’t resist them.”
I hope that he didn’t get Linda Carter. I can’t resist her.
Muggers following unusual pattern
Louisiana police are uncertain how to proceed against a band of criminals that is plaguing their state. So far, the band is held up several banks, in addition to looting many of the more expensive stores in the larger cities.
Authorities are still looking for any leads at all, but claim that it is easy to tell the work of the gang, which forces its victims to stick their heads inside of small medicine jars or bottles while the hold up is taking place.