Frazer Smith’s Power News — May 4, 1979
Opponents of school bussing are demanding an inquiry after a seven-year-old Eskimo boy harpooned a little girl during swimming class. Fortunately, school officials were able to subdue the boy with elephant tranquilizers before he began to skin out his classmate. Police are questioning school administrators about the use of harpoons as standard pool recreational equipment.
Although recent communications breakthroughs with animals have been hailed as a tremendous achievement, it appears to spell the end to the practice of using dogs and monkeys for test purposes. All is not lost, however, as researchers have reported satisfactory results using visitors from outer space in their experiments, Says one doctor involved in the program, “I, personally, am not worried about these little green geeks. If they’re so smart, why don’t they tell us what we want to know before we cut them open?”
Tonight Show switch
It seemed to be business as usual Thursday night on the Tonight Show, until someone noticed that the host was not Johnny Carson, as scheduled. Instead, it was an identical pair of orangutans, which had invaded the studio and tied Johnny up in his dressing room before abusing guests and running commercials backwards for over an hour until a member of the studio audience spotted the switch.
No problem at Three Mile Island
In spite of continued problems long after the accident at the Three Mile Island generating plant, Nuclear Regulatory Commission spokesmen say that there is no longer any danger to the surrounding area. A spokesman did say, however, that to ensure the safety of local residents, the NRC would continue to monitor the levels of radioactivity in local cattle that are now hovering over the disabled reactor.
A massive outdoor revivalist prayer meeting in Plains, Georgia, was disrupted this week when over 600 Elvis impersonators broke through barricades and eluded police for hours, giving away hundreds of Cadillacs, none of them paid for.
Police seek women
Police have launched an all-out search to identify the bodies of ten women found late last night with black tape mysteriously placed across their eyes. The bodies of the naked women turned up in an 8mm film delivered by accident to a back room of the Ramparts Division substation during a small private party being given there. Lieutenant Bret Stoker told POWER NEWS, “Some of those bodies were just unbelievable. We’re working as hard as we can to find them.”
Secret sources have confirmed rumors that the Russians, who are using microwave bombardment to cook American ambassadors like hot dogs, are currently engaged in building the world’s largest food processor at a clandestine site near the American embassy. We’ll have more on this story as it develops.
Joke recall in Las Vegas
Things were never drier in the deserts of Las Vegas than this week, when the FCC ordered the recall of thousands of allegedly defective jokes. Most entertainers in sin city, however, are determined to go on with the show, and have resorted to hand-to-hand combat to lay claim to the last few remaining jokes. Casualty figures are still coming in from an incident in which Rodney Dangerfield drove his Jeep onstage during Milton Berle’s act, after hearing that Berle was using some of his material.
Biologist Richard M. Figaroni, while addressing an agriculture convention, told a stunned group of farmers that he has finally invented a hairless watermelon. Figaroni, an ex-San Francisco politician, explained that he got the idea while working for the peace corps in Antarctica, and expects Americans to beat a path to his door. Says Figaroni, “Lots of people in other countries love hairless melons, Americans are just going to have to get used to the idea.”
Michael Ozone, president of the independent businessman’s association, said at a luncheon in his honor that although the gas crunch does look bad, he is confident the American free enterprise system would provide some people with a means for reaping huge profits because of it. Said Ozone, “I don’t want to tell you everything I know, but let’s just say that some folks are going to make a killing recycling RVs into aluminum cans.”
Wild animals in the city
A recent government study indicates that wild animals are terrorizing the big cities as never before. Although one big reason for the sudden influx is the night life, the main reason is said to be the lack of natural predators, except for agents and talent scouts. “Animal life is flourishing,” claims one casting director. “Why, you’d be surprised how many beavers you can see in a producer’s office.”
In spite of the recent elections, it was learned today that Britain has been recalled to the factory for repairs. Although the electrical system had been on the fritz for some time now, this week a combination of other problems cropped up, and efforts to start the country on cold mornings failed completely. It has also been reported that an oil leak has been spotted beneath the tiny island. Workmen declined to speculate when Britain would be ready to be picked up.
Faith healer Harvey “Hands” Nodoze, of Biloxi, Mississippi, claims to have hit upon a sure cure for every known human ailment. Nodoze says he simply buries his patients in sealed caskets until they stop complaining. One satisfied customer stated, “After only one visit, I don’t think I’ll ever go back.”
Dog bites professor
Professor Keith Whippo told POWER NEWS that he was bitten by an inflatable dog in Hermosa beach yesterday.
Fur baby astounds experts
In Delaware this week, an eighteen-month-old boy was born with thick fur covering his entire body.
Because of the ever-increasing tensions of day-to-day life, more and more people are starting to use isolation tanks in order to get a much-needed break in the day’s hectic schedule. The tanks, which are totally sound-proof, light-proof, and are filled with water, are being hailed as the greatest aid to relaxation parents can buy. Says one happy couple, “I didn’t think it would work, but it’s amazing. You just put the kids in there, and you hardly even know they’re around.”
With the United States economy at an all-time low, and with the Japanese economy at an all-time high, many American parents are now raising their children to be successful Japanese businessmen. Says one parent, “It’s pretty tough to get them to wear their little oxygen masks, but in the long run the extra effort pays off. It’s cheaper, too. A kid who will eat raw fish will eat just about anything.”
A Van Nuys housewife is in the hospital today under heavy sedation following an amazing display of psychic ability. The housewife, who received a vision of financial tragedy striking the couple next door, lapsed into a coma after her neighbors announced that they would vacation in Las Vegas despite of her warnings. Although authorities are skeptical of the story, they admit that the couple hasn’t been heard from since arriving at their motel over an hour ago.
Ex-president Gerald Ford, while campaigning for the Republican presidential nomination, has reportedly disappeared in a laser accident on his home planet of Venus, after beaning several residents there with metallic hydrogen golf balls. Film at eleven.
Teenager abducted by UFO
An Australian teenager has disappeared after spotting what he described as a UFO. Melbourne air traffic controllers say that the boy was flying his single engine Cessna upside-down at an altitude of twenty-five feet when he suddenly shouted into his microphone that something had landed inside his helmet. Shortly afterward, he announced that he was lighting a cigar. No trace was ever found of the boy or the aircraft. Australian authorities believe that the teenager probably became lost and flew into the sun, where he would have melted.
Police in Kansas this week are cracking down on incidents of vandalism and disorderly conduct at secret UFO landing fields. POWER NEWS has learned that the aliens have been hanging out at the exclusive landing sites until after curfew necking with their dates, mutilating cattle, and defacing walls with graffiti. Police say that the new hard line was adopted after citizens’ reports of drag racing and laser practice in the restricted zone.
I left my Spinks in San Francisco
Leon Spinks, who was arrested last week for driving a roll-away bed at high speed the wrong way down a one-way street, has told authorities in San Francisco that for his next trick he is going to buy a gigantic Frisbee and balance it on top of the pyramid-shaped Transamerica building. Owners of the building have told reporters that they haven’t the foggiest idea what Spinks is talking about.
Diving while blind
Although Cleveland banker Alan Brinkley was blinded in a refrigerator accident last year, it hasn’t stopped him from pursuing his favorite hobby: Diving for sunken automobiles. Brinkley, who dives accompanied by a seeing-eye shark, says that he can’t wait for the weekends to put on his custom-made three-piece wet suit and head for Lake Erie. As he puts it, “I don’t know why I do this, but it sure beats golfing.”
Billy Carter in politics
Billy Carter, who claims he hasn’t had a drink in a week, told POWER NEWS that he is going to empty out the White House pool in order to hold rat fights there for his Libyan friends. Says Billy, “They may not be selling us their oil, but you have to admire the way they appreciate a good rat fight. I just hope I can get all of that barbecue sauce out of the pool before they get here.” Just touch a match to the surface, Billy. It will burn right off.
CIA info on UFOs
In response to a suit filed under the Freedom of Information Act, the CIA has released evidence that UFOs are actually floating discos for transvestites. According to government UFO expert Wang Wacker, the transvestites prefer the floating discos because it is easier to hang upside-down from the ceiling.
Ex-marine drill Sergeant Manny bumps is in police custody today after shooting his wife yesterday morning. According to the police report, bumps became enraged at his wife Darlene after she failed to pass morning inspection for the third time in a row. Marine Corps representatives are also investigating why bumps is no longer in the armed forces.
Friends of Arizona housewife Sheila Jeeter were surprised to find Sheila in a recent edition of a crude girlie magazine, and, although her brothers say that the woman in the photos looks identical to Sheila, she has been able to convince her husband that the photos are of a woman who is her exact double. Says Sheila, “I wasn’t even able to get a babysitter the day those pictures were supposed to be taken, so it Couldn’t have been me … Right?” We’ll never tell, Sheila.
Mrs. Rita Luuber of Idaho has revealed that she has been in constant communication with animals for the last ten years, according to Mrs. Luuber, her favorites are shrews or weasels, although any animal will do. Says Mrs Luuber, “I don’t know how it happened. All I remember is one day I spotted this really good-looking collie, and the next thing I knew, we were having a drink together at a local bar.”
President Carter’s energy plan
President Jimmy Carter has presented Congress with his plan to ease the oil shortage by diverting two million barrels of oil a day to the production of drugs. Spokesman Jody Powell told a press conference the president hopes that more Americans will get their energy from drugs and will use less gasoline driving to the market and to work.