Power News :: Frazer Smith
Smith changes his locks
The bill came to well over one million dollars — the most ever charged by locksmith Pete Steelboner — but it was apparently worth every penny to client Frazer Smith, who ordered Steelboner to change the locks in his Bel Air mansion to keep out ex-girlfriend Faye Dunaway. Said Smith, “The last time she got in she Krazy-Glued her lips to my chest. It totally screwed up my tan.”
Presidential hopeful Frazer Smith took time out from his busy campaign schedule to lend his name to another campaign — Save the Sharks. Smith led a star-studded field of celebrities as he fired the first shot at the “Eat More Porpoise Drive” at a gigantic sea mammal barbecue on the grounds of ex-President Richard M. Nixon’s old San Clemente estate.
Smith ejected from the game
Umpire Harvey Dongnozzle risked certain death this week by ejecting Dodger pitcher Frazer Smith in the middle of the game for marking the ball. Dongnozzle said that he saw Smith take a shrew out of his hat and allow it to chew on the ball before a pitch, which is why he took the suicidal action. Said Smith about the incident, “If he thinks I’m keeping a shrew in my hat, he’s insane. Everybody knows I keep it in my pocket where I can keep an eye on it.”
Frazer and Chevy at Hussong’s
A policeman en Ensenada, Mexico, didn’t know what he was getting himself in for when he tapped the shoulder of a tourista who was being a little too rowdy. The tourist, as it turns out, was none other than comedian Chevy Chase who, after drinking nearly a gallon of the potent Mexican Bueno Loco Tequila, was mugging waitresses and shouting obscene jokes in Spanish, much to the delight of the locals. The Federalies, however, were not amused, and asked Chase to step outside, whereupon Chase’s drinking partner, comedian Frazer Smith, punched the lawman, and threatened to buy the country if he was bothered again. The two entertainers then finished their drinks and climbed into Smith’s custom remote-control all-terrain vehicle, and were last seen driving off down the coast of their new property.
Too Hip cards better than gold
On the heels of an announcement by Russian alchemists that lead now can be turned into gold, the price of the once-precious metal has plummeted to an all-time low on money-markets, as investers scramble to cover their losses by exchanging their worthless holdings for valuable Frazer Smith Too Hip cards.
Trading on the floor of the Chicago Commodities Exchange had to be suspended this morning after it was learned that many of the Too Hip cards being traded were actually counterfeits being issued by former U.S. Budget Director Burt Lance. Arrests at eleven.
Too Hip … gotta slow
Traffic on the Santa Monica freeway eastbound was tied up for nearly ten hours yesterday when somebody accidentally dropped a Frazer Smith Too Hip card in the fast lane. The resulting scramble left one dead and almost forty injured before the California Highway Patrol could clear away the wreckage.
The recent drop in the unemployment rate had puzzled some experts until it was discovered that many of the jobless are being employed as caddies for professional golfers. Not only are most of the golfers on the pro circuit now using over twenty caddies apiece, but highly-paid professionals such as tour leader Frazer Smith have close to 500,000 caddies. Says Smith, “Forqet Palmer, I’ve got a REAL army, … but I go through them pretty fast with those exploding golf balls I use.”
Kellerman sues Smith
Actress Sally Kellerman this week filed suit against Los Angeles comedian Frazer Smith, charging that the entertainer had tried to run her over with a golf cart at a recent Hollywood party. Said the highly-paid professional funny-man about the charge, “It sounds like a bad joke, I’d never run down a beautiful woman — in a golf cart. Talk to my team of lawyers.”
Frazer Smith exonerated
A circuit court judge has ordered the FCC to allow radio personality Frazer Smith to return to the air after suspending him for repeating the words “monkey pus” 7,000 times in a row while on the air. Smith said in the hearing that he hadn’t realized the microphone was open when the reported violation occurred. The court ruled that Smith can say anything he wants, even though the FCC provided evidence that hundreds of thousands of young people began attacking skyscrapers with their bare teeth within minutes of hearing the broadcast.
Frazer Smith sues Clifford Irving
Air personality Frazer Smith is back in court with his team of lawyers again this week, only this time he is on the other end of the lawsuit. It seems that writer Clifford Irving, who went to jail for publishing a bogus biography of Howard Hughes, has just come out with a similar book about Smith. Says Smith, “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t mind. It’s just that he misspelled my name on the cover. Besides, I need a new suit, anyway.”
Frazer’s fight to the top
Now-famous radio personality Frazer Smith told reporters this week that life wasn’t always easy for him. Smith, who achieved international fame even before moving to Los Angeles, told his story as he relaxed among friends at the Savage Prong Grille in Malibu, and signed contracts with major film companies. Said Smith, “I worked some pretty cheesey jobs while i was on my way up — but now I’m a multi-millionaire and I don’t care.”
Barbara Walters wants Frazer Smith
Network executives at ABC are reportedly miffed at entertainer Frazer Smith’s refusal to be interviewed by Barbara Walters. Rating experts were hoping the interview would boost sagging ratings, but Smith says he wants no part of Walters. Says Smith, “Not only is she boring, but she nearly fainted when she saw my bedroom last time. I’d rather date Fred Munster.”
Smith and Gleason
Last night, comedians Frazer Smith and Jackie Gleason were arrested in a Miami bar for allegedly destroying the posh drinking establishment when they drove a golf cart filled with liquor and beautiful women through a large picture window, smashing furniture and glass, including the contents of one of the world’s largest indoor aquariums, which was filled with huge man-eating killer piranha. And away we go, Jackie! Film at eleven.