Frazer Smith’s Power News — July 28, 1978
ROUGH IDEAS
AL RAMIREZ TRAINING AN ARMY OF BEGGARS TO SET HIMSELF UP AS THE HEAD OF A VAST NETWORK OF MONEY GRUBBERS AND SELL SWAMPLAND.
WASHINGTON, D.C., POLITICIANS ARE PLANNING TO GET REVENGE ON MUGGERS THAT PLAGUE THE CAPITAL BY FORMING GANGS AND GOING OUT TO BEAT UP PUNKS.
FS INTERVIEW QUOTE, “I THINK MY SUCCESS IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT I ACHIEVE AN AESTHETIC TRANS-SUBSTANTIATION OF THAT WHICH IS AT ONCE ELUSIVE YET INELUCTABLE IN THE MODERN SENSIBILITY.”
MEXICALI SEWERS BROKEN DOWN, CAUSING PROBLEMS IN THE U.S. BECAUSE THE MEXICANS ARE NOW FLUSHING NOW WORTHLESS U.S. MONEY DOWN THE TOILET, MAKING IT EMBARRASSING FOR AMERICANS TO DIG THROUGH THE SCUM IN SEARCH OF THE GREENBACKS.
U.S. COAST GUARD IS KIDNAPPING UNDERAGE GIRLS IN FOREIGN CITIES AND STOWING THEM AWAY, BRINGING THEM BACK TO THE U.S., WHERE THEY WANDER AROUND THE WESTERN PART OF THE U.S., PUSHING INDIANS OFF RESERVATIONS, AND IMITATING THE LATE HOWARD HUGHES BY BEGGING RIDES WITH GAS STATION ATTENDANTS AND LEAVING BEHIND HUGE WILLS.
NO ONE INJURED AS PLANE MAKES WHEELS-UP LANDING IN A GOVERNMENT HEROINE FIELD. SEVERAL HOSPITALIZED FOR LAUGHING.
A MOVE IS UNDERWAY IN CUBA TO TIGHTEN BOXING RULES AFTER THE DEATH OF A YOUNG FIGHTER THIS WEEK. PROPOSED CHANGES INCLUDE THE ELIMINATION OF ALL WEAPONS AND FAMILY MEMBERS FROM THE RING.
ROBBERS HOLDING UP PEOPLE, AND FORCING THEM TO STICK THEIR HEADS INTO SMALL MEDICINE BOTTLES.
CHAVEZ RAVINE AS UFO? CIA IS HIDING THE FACT THAT MANY OTHER STADIUMS ARE ALSO UFOS.
MOMMA OSMOND HAS FINALLY GIVEN THE GO-AHEAD FOR MARIE TO DATE THE ROCK GROUP BTO, SINCE THEY ARE MORMON, TOO. MARIE, “I SURE HOPE THAT I CAN HANDLE THESE FOUR BIG GUYS.”
PETE ROSE IS ANGERED AS, ON THE NIGHT THAT HE HAS A CHANCE TO BREAK THE RECORD FOR MOST CONSECUTIVE HITS, MANAGER SPARKY ANDERSON PULLS HIM, AND PUTS IN PINCH HITTER FS, WHO PROMPTLY STRUCK OUT.
TED TURNER PITS HIS LOSING SPORTS FRANCHISE AGAINST A CHESS TEAM.
FS FIRES LINDA MCCARTNEY AS PHOTOGRAPHER, BECAUSE OF POOR-QUALITY WORK.
PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER ASKS STAFF TO STOP SMOKING MARIJUANA AND SNORTING COKE. REFUSES TO ASK THEM TO LEAVE ANGEL DUST ALONE.
GERALD FORD / CHEVY CHASE SWITCH. FORD TRIES TO IMITATE CHEVY. DIVORCES WIFE, THROWS ALL OF HIS MONEY AWAY TRYING TO MAKE A COMEDY MOVIE. BECOMES A PLASTIC SURGEON.
A SEX MANIAC RAPES A TEST TUBE.
JOEY TRAVOLTA WANTS TO BE FAMOUS TOO. HAS KIDNAPPED JOHN, AND HAS HIM BURIED ALIVE, WHERE HE WILL STAY UNTIL JOEY GETS A CONTRACT. SO FAR, NO ONE HAS MADE AN OFFER.
FS THOUGHT TO BE BLIND. AMAZING PERSON. QUOTE, “AT LEAST, I *THINK* HE’S BLIND, HE ALWAYS FEELS HIS WAY AROUND.”
TEEN THROB ANDY GIBB LIVES ON A HOUSEBOAT THAT IS HAUNTED BY A SPIRIT THAT MAKES YOUNG GIRL FEEL HOT AND WET. THIS GIVES THE GIRLS AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO RIP OFF THEIR CLOTHES AND LEAP INTO BED WITH THE FIRST AVAILABLE GUY, WHO IS NONE OTHER THAN ANDY GIBB, OF COURSE. GIRLS START WIGGLING IN SEXUAL LUST, BIKINIS TORN OFF WHEN THE GIRLS WHO WANT TO REMAIN DRESSED. WAVES OF LUST GO THROUGH THEIR GROINS. ANDY PAYS HOMAGE TO HIS UNSEEN BENEFACTOR BY DRESSING LIKE A GANGSTER AND TALKING OUT OF THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH WHILE WEARING A FS T-SHIRT.
GENE SIMMONS IS TIRED OF CHER, FAKED HER OUT BY HAVING A PLANE DRAG A HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIGN OVER HER HOUSE, THEN THE PLANE KAMIKAZI’D INTO THE HOUSE, KILLING CHER. KISS PLANS TO USE THE STUNT IN THEIR NEW STAGE SHOW, ACCORDING TO SPOKESMEN.
E1TON JOHN, WHO HAS BEEN HAVING LOTS OF TROUBLE WITH HIS HAIR TRANSPLANTS, IS GOING TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH THE MORE HARDY SHREW HAIR TRANSPLANT HAIR PLUGS.
MACKENZIE PHILLIPS HAS BECOME HOLLYWOOD’S WILDEST TEENAGER AFTER RECEIVING BOTH THE FS AND HOLLYWOOD NIGHTSHIFT T-SHIRTS ON THE SAME DAY. FRIENDS FEAR THAT SHE HAS SENT FOR THE PANTIES, WHICH WOULD PUT HER COMPLETELY OVER THE EDGE.
JOHN TRAVOLTA HAS KIDNAPPED SUZANNE SOMMERS AND BIANCA JAGGERS AND HAS BEEN FORCING THEM TO WORK AS KEYPUNCH OPERATORS WITH NO PAY. NOBODY KNOWS WHY.
SCANDALMONGERS HAVE STAKED OUT ADULT BOOKSTORES HOPING TO SEE THE RUMORED SUZANNE SOMMERS FILM.
A MINISTER IS SOLVING THE SUICIDE PROBLEM BY MARRYING TWO SUICIDAL PEOPLE TO EACH OTHER, AND LETTING THEM FIGHT IT OUT.
IN THE WAKE OF THE FILM BLACK SUNDAY, IN WHICH THE GOODYEAR BLIMP CRASHES INTO A STADIUM, MANY HAVE EXPRESSED A FEAR THAT THE BLIMP COULD EXPLODE IN REAL LIFE. A GOODYEAR SPOKESMAN, HOWEVER, SAYS THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE, AND STATES THAT THE ONLY THING ON THE WHOLE BLIMP THAT COULD EXPLODE ARE THE TANKS OF ANGEL DUST IT CARRIES. “AND THOSE COULDN’T EXPLODE UNLESS THE PILOT WENT INSANE, OR SOMETHING.”
SUSAN FORD GOES BERSERK AT HER 21ST BIRTHDAY PARTY, FEEDS GUESTS CAKE LACED WITH LSD, PUNCHES HER PARENTS, THEN TAKES PICTURES OF EVERYONE, THREATENS TO BLACKMAIL THEM.
SKYLAB IS AN ORBITING DRUG SUPPLY DEPOT FOR UFOS. SPACE SHUTTLE BEING PREPARED TO RESTOCK IT WHEN IT RUNS OUT OF DRUGS.
GENE AND CHER SHOW, WHERE, FOR A CHANGE, IT WILL BE CHER WHO RECEIVES THE TONGUE LASHING.
TV MASTERMIND FRED SILVERMAN IS PLANNING A NEW THEME FORMAT FOR NBC NIGHTTIME SHOWS, AND ONE OF THE THEMES WILL BE DRUG NIGHT. OTHER NIGHTS: COMEDY, SPORTS, DRAMA, DOCUMENTARIES, SEX, AND MUSIC.
FARRAH FAWCETT AND LEE MAJORS ARE HUNGRY FOR MONEY AFTER THE FLOP OF LEE’S FILM THE NORSEMEN. THEY ARE TEAMING UP TO BEAT OTHER HOLLYWOOD COUPLES IN FRIENDLY GAMES OF TENNIS, THEN DEMANDING LARGE SUMS OF MONEY. MEANWHILE, FARRAH IS REPORTEDLY SELLING HER CLOTHES TO MAKE THIS MONTH’S RENT PAYMENT.
SUPERMARKET NIBBLER FACES LIFE BEHIND BARS.
JACQUELINE BISSET’S RUM AND COKE DIET. ALWAYS DRUNK, BUT LOSING WEIGHT.
JIMMY CARTER’S AMAZON ARMY.
WILT CHAMBERLIN (?).
LINDA CARTER ABDUCTED BY ANTS.