Frazer Smith’s Power News — August 5, 1978
ROUGH IDEAS
A ROCK SHOW STARRING BLUE OYSTER AND UFO SELLS OUT WHEN PEOPLE HEAR A RUMOR THAT FRAZER WILL MAKE A SURPRIZE APPEARANCE.
SAMMY DAVIS JR, WHO APPARENTLY HAS BEEN HARBORING A GRUDGE AGAINST BOXER MUHAMMAD ALI, ATTEMPTED TO GET EVEN THE OTHER NIGHT AT A POLITICAL BENEFIT PUT ON BY ALI FOR A LOS ANGELES CONGRESSMAN. DAVIS, WHO CAME OUT OF HIS CORNER LAUGHING DURING THE EXHIBITION PORTION OF THE SHOW, SUDDENLY FLEW INTO A RAGE AND BEGAN TO PUMMEL ALI, WHO IMMEDIATELY HAMMERED DAVIS, WHO IS OVER A FOOT SHORTER AND 100 POUNDS LIGHTER THAN THE EX-CHAMP.
PRESIDENT CARTER HAS APPARENTLY ADMITTED DEFEAT IN HIS DEALINGS WITH THE RUSSIANS, AND HAS SENT FOR AN OLD PRO TO HANDLE SOVIET AFFAIRS FROM NOW ON; EX-PRESIDENT RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON. CARTER IS REPORTEDLY UNABLE TO DEAL WITH RUSSIAN CUSTOMS OF KISSING AND CLOSE WHISPERING, AND IS HOPING THE NIXON WILL BE ABLE TO WORK SOME OF HIS OLD MAGIC. PRESS AIDE JODY POWELL REFUSES TO COMMENT ON THE DEVELOPMENTS, BUT WILL GO AS FAR AS TO SAY THAT NIXON IS IN “CLOSE CONTACT” WITH THE RUSSKIES.
GOVERNOR BROWN IS THREATENING LANDLORDS WITH LEGAL ACTION IF THEY DON’T VOLUNTARILY LOWER RENTS, GIRLFRIEND LINDA RONSTADT IS TRYING ANOTHER WAY TO ACHIEVE THE SAME END. LINDA IS HOPING THAT AS HER SKIRTS GO UP, THE RENTS WILL COME DOWN. WHILE THERE IS NO WORD YET ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT SHE HAS BEEN SUCCESSFUL, OR ABOUT WHETHER THE GOVERNOR WILL BE LIVING WITH HER, SHE HAS BEEN SPOTTED ALL ABOUT TOWN IN HER HOT HOT HOT PINK HOT PANTS.
ALLEGED COMEDIAN JOHN DAVIDSON, WHO IS USED TO HAVING JOKES EXPLODE IN HIS FACE, WAS APPARENTLY STILL NOT PREPARED THE OTHER DAY WHEN A MORTAR ROUND CAUGHT HIM IN MID-STRIDE AS HE WAS JOGGING AROUND A LOCAL GOLF COURSE. DAVIDSON ACCEPTED THE BLAME, HOWEVER. SAID HE, “EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT FRAZER SMITH PRACTICES AT THAT COURSE. IT WAS MY OWN DARNED FAULT THAT I WANDERED INTO THE DE-MILITARIZED ZONE.”
THURSDAY NIGHT PROVED TO MORE THAN JUST THE NIGHT BEFORE THE WEEKEND FOR MORE THAN THREE THOUSAND STARTLED PASSERSBY ON SUNSET BLVD WHO NOTICED A LARGE FREE-FOR-ALL PARTY BEING HELD IN THE OUTDOOR DINING AREA OF A FAMOUS STRIP RESTAURANT. THE OCCASION TURNED OUT TO BE A HOAX AT FIRST, AS WRITER HUNTER S. THOMPSON AND COMEDIAN JOHN BELUSHI PUT ON A “NIXON IN 1980” POLITICAL RALLY AND FUNDRAISER. THE GET-TOGETHER SOON ASSUMED A DIFFERENT TONE WHEN THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE BEGAN TO JAM INTO THE SMALL EATERY AND THROW MONEY AT THE SO-CALLED PROMOTERS. NEVER ONE TO SHOW A LACK OF GENEROUSITY, BELUSHI HAS OFFERED THE COLLECTION OF MONEY TO PAY OFF THE FUNERAL EXPENSES OF DONORS WHO WERE ALL ACCIDENTALLY SHOT BY THOMPSON BEFORE BEING CHEWED UP BY HIS FOUR DOBERMAN PUPPIES.
IN A TIME WHEN IT SEEMS THAT ANYTHING IN BLONDE HAIR CAN SELL JUST ABOUT ANYTHING, BIG STARS LIKE CHERYL TIEGS ARE MAKING THE MOST OF THE SITUATION. TIEGS, POWER NEWS HAS LEARNED, NOW WANTS — AND GETS — UP TO $2,500 AN HOUR FOR MODELING. TIEGS, HOWEVER, DEFENDS HER PRICES. SAYS SHE, “I HAVE TO CHARGE THAT MUCH. FRAZER SMITH CHARGES ME $3,000 AN HOUR JUST TO BE HIS SEX SLAVE.”
A LAS VEGAS DOCTOR HAS SHOCKED THE MEDICAL PROFESSION BY CLAIMING THAT HE CAN HALT AND SOMETIMES REVERSE THE AGING PROCESS BY FORCING HIS ELDERLY PATIENTS TO BARK LIKE DOGS. THE DOCTOR, A DOCTOR IMA QUACK, SAID THAT HE CAME UPON THE DISCOVERY BY ACCIDENT WHEN HE WAS FORCING HIS PATIENTS TO MAKE MONKEY NOISES ONE DAY. SO FAR, THE ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT THE PATIENTS ALSO FEEL LIKE CHASING CARS. BUT, SAYS THE DOCTOR, THAT REALLY ISN’T A PROBLEM AT ALL. SAYS THE DOCTOR, “THEY’RE JUST LIKE SPIDER MONKEYS; THEY WOULDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A CAR IF THEY DID CATCH ONE.”
THE U.S. GOVERENMENT, WHICH IS OFFICIALLY DENYING THE EXISTENCE OF UFO’S, IS SECRETLY TRYING TO CATCH ONE, ACCORDING TO INFORMED POWER NEWS SOURCES. IT IS APPARENTLY THE GOVERNMENT’S PLAN TO BUY UP REMOTE FARM HOUSES AND BAIT THEM WITH SEXY ACTRESSES IN AN EFFORT TO LURE THE UFO’S INTO LANDING. SO FAR, THE ONLY PROTEST AGAINST THE PROGRAM IS COMING FROM HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS, WHO CLAIM THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS ENTICING THE ACTRESSES TO LEAVE HOLLYWOOD FOR THE FARM DUTY AND PROMISING THEM LIFETIME SUPPLIES OF VALIUM CIGARETTES.
A MYSTERIOUS, PULSATING, FLESH-TONE UFO TERRIFIED HUNDREDS OF SAILORS OFF THE COAST OF FLORIDA THIS WEEK, POWER NEWS WAS TOLD. ACCORDING TO WITNESSES, THE UFO VIBRATED, PULSATED, AND MOANED INCESSANTLY AS IT HOVERED OVER THE SHIPS. SHAKEN OBSERVERS SAY THAT THE OBJECT WAS LAST SEEN PLUNGING REPEATED HEAD-FIRST INTO THE AREA KNOWN AS THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE. POLICE SWITCHBOARDS IN THE AREA WERE BARRAGED WITH PHONE CALLS FROM FRIGHTENED AND INTERESTED RESIDENTS TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE THEY COULD BUY ONE OF THE OBJECTS.
A SAILOR WHO JUST CAME BACK FROM FL’BFROUNDTHE WORLD CRUISE TOLD REPORTS THAT HE WAS ACCOSTED BY A HUGE KILLER SHARK. THE SAILOR, BILL BUCKKNIFE, TOLD REPORTERS IN SAN DIEGO THAT HE HAD JUST RETURNED FROM AN INCIDENT-FREE TRIP AROUND THE GLOBE, AND HAD STOPPED OFF FOR A DRINK IN HIS FAVORITE BAR WHEN HE AND HIS WIFE WERE APPROACHED BY THE GIANT SEA CREATURE. SAYS BUCKKNIFE, THE MONSTER PULLED UP A STOOL NEXT TO HIM AND DEMANDED A DRINK. WHEN BUCKKNIFE REFUSED, THE SHARK BECAME SURLY, AND BEGAN SHOVING BUCKKNIFE. BUCKNIFE SAYS THAT HE AND HIS WIFE BEGAN TO BEAT THE SHARK OFF WITH OARS, BUT IT WAS UNSATISFIED. AFTER A SIX HOUR BATTL. WHICH BUCKKNIFE TERMED “EXPENSIVE,” THE BEAST ATE THE COUPLE’S SIAMESE CAT AND LEFT THE BAR WITHOUT SAYING THANK YOU. SAYS BUCKKNIFE, “IF I HAD IT ALL TO DO OVER, I’D DO THE SAME. THAT’S WHAT THE SPIRIT OF ADVENTURE AS ALL ABOUT.”
PSYCHIATRISTS AND DOCTORS ARE SO FAR UNCERTAIN WHY HOUSEWIVES IN THE CHATSWORTH AREA HAVE SUDDENLY STARTED DARTING OUT IN FRONT IN SPEEDING CARS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOMES, BUT SUSPECT THAT IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE AGE-OLD TEENAGE PRACTICE OF PLAYING CHICKEN. DOCTORS ARE ALSO TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ROLE VALIUM CIGARETTES ARE PLAYING IN THE ACTIONS OF THE YOUNG WOMEN, AS ALL OF THE VICTIMS SO FAR HAVE BEEN FOUND TO BE USERS OF THE FAMOUS SMOKE. WHILE DOCTORS ARE HOPEFUL OF A QUICK DIAGNOSIS OF THE SYNDROME, SO FAR THE ONLY KNOWN ANTIDOTE IS A DOSE OF FRAZER SMITH NON-DAIRY PROTEIN HEALTH DRINK, WHICH IS UNFORTUNATELY ONLY SOLD THROUGH BLACK MARKET CONTACTS.
ALTHOUGH HE HASN’T BEEN IN THE NEWS MUCH LATELY, EXBASKETBALL STAR WILT “THE STILT” CHAMBERLAIN IS STILL A BUSY MAN. BETWEEN HIS VOLLEYBALL TEAM, HIS WOMEN’S TRACK TEAM, AND OTHER BUSINESS VENTURES, SOMETIMES THE STILT DOESN’T HAVE TIME TO GET FROM ONE PLACE TO THE OTHER. WHICH IS WHY HE HAS HIRED A TEAM OF SWEDISH BALLBACK FEMALE TRICKSTUNT HELL DRIVERS TO GET HIM TO AND FROM HIS APPOINTMENTS. SO FAR, POLICE HAVE TURNED A BLIND EYE ON THE ESCAPADES OF THE WOMEN, WHO OFTEN DRIVE BETWEEN ROWS OF TRAFFIC ON TWO WHEELS AND SLIDE DOWN WINDY ROADS SIDEWAYS, BUT JUST IN CASE, CHAMBERLAIN HAS REPORTEDLY ORDERED TWO JAMES BOND SPY CARS FROM THE BRITISH ASTON MARTIN AUTOMAKERS.
A SAN DIEGO COUPLE WHO FRAUDULANTLY OBTAINED SIXTY CREDIT CARDS AND WENT ON A SIX-MONTH EUROPEAN SPENDING SPREE HAS TOLD THE JUDGE THAT THEY ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS. REPORTEDLY, THE JUDGE HAS TAKEN UNDER ADVISEMENT THE POSSIBILITY OF INCLUDING BILLIONAIRE FRAZER SMITH IN THE COURT HEARING, AFTER THE COUPLE TOLD THE COURT THAT SMITH INCITED THEM TO TAKE OTHER PEOPLE’S CREDIT CARDS AND WRITE BAD CHECKS. IF THE COUPLE IS SUCCESSFUL IN THEIR ATTEMPT, IT WOULD MEAN THAT SMITH WOULD BE HELD LIABLE FOR MOST OF THE $2,000,000 THAT THE PAIR RAN UP IN BILLS ON THEIR TRIP.
CANADIAN HOUSEWIFE EVE N. RUDE AWOKE RECENTLY TO FIND THAT HER HUSBAND WAS DEAD TO THE WORLD … LITERALLY. SOMEBODY HAD SNUCK INTO THEIR BEDROOM DURING THE NIGHT AND PUMPED OVER FIVE DOZEN BULLETS INTO HIS HEAD. INVESTIGATING DETECTIVES REPORTED THAT INTRUDERS HAD SLIPPED UNNOTICED INTO THE BEDROOM OF THE RUDE HOME IN ONTARIO AND MURDERED THE MAN AFTER FILLING THE COUPLE’S TV WITH READYCRETE, AND CRAZY-GLUING ALL THE DOORS AND WINDOWS IN THE HOUSE SHUT. DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE TWO WERE IN THE SAME BED, MRS RUDE SAID THAT SHE DID NOT NOTICE THAT HER HUSBAND WAS LYING IN A POOL OF HIS OWN BLOOD UNTIL SHE GOT UP TO GO TO THE DRUGSTORE FOR SOME MORE QUAALUDES, AND DISCOVERED THAT SHE COULDN’T GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
SINGER ANITA BRYANT, WHO WAS CONVICTED LAST YEAR ON A CHARGE OF POSSESSING FOUR GALLONS OF CITRIC ACID, IS WORKING OFF PART OF HER PUNISHMENT IN A CRUSADE AQAINST HOMOSEXUALITY. MS. BRYANT SAYS SHE HOPES THAT SHE CAN HELP AT LEAST SOME OF THE MEN WHO HAVE DELUGED HER WITH PHONE CALLS AND LETTERS REQUESTING THAT SHE PERSONALLY ASSIST THEM IN BECOMING NORMAL, FEMALE-LOVING MEN. AS OF THIS WEEK, MS. BRYANT SAYS THAT SHE PLANS TO SET UP A STRING OF HALF-WAY HOUSES ACROSS THE COUNTRY WHERE ME SHE CAN MEET THE MEN HALFWAY ON AN INDIVIDUAL OR GROUP BASIS.
A SAN FRANCISCO JUDGE GOT THE SHOCK OF HIS LIFE THIS WEEK AFTER HE SENTENCED A DEFENDANT IN A DIVORCE TRIAL TO PAY $1,000 A MONTH IN ALIMONY. THE DEFENDANT THEN STRIPPED NAKED, REVEALING THE FACT THAT HE WAS A SHE. THE WOMAN, WHO HAD EVEN ONCE BEEN IN THE MARINES, CLAIMED THAT SHE DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY THE CHILD SUPPORT BECAUSE SHE COULDN’T HAVE FATHERED THE KIDS. SAID ONE OF THE KIDS, “I DIDN’T MIND HAVING A WEIRDO FOR A DAD. HE WAS GREAT IN SOME AREAS, LIKE SEX EDUCATION.”
THE LITTLE BIT O’ BELFAST BAR IN SANTA MONICA IS FAST BECOMING THE HOTSPOT IN THE LOS ANGELES AREA, AND FOR GOOD REASON. THE BIT O’ BOLFAST IS ONE BAR WHERE YOU DON’T NEED TO DRINK TO GET PLASTERED. EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK, PRO BOXERS ARE ON HAND IN A SPECIALLY-BUILT RING TO TAKE ON ALL COMERS. SO FAR, CELEBRITIES SUCH AS HARRY NILSSON AND KEITH MOON ARE REGULARS, AS THEY AND OTHER CUSTOMERS FIGHT FOR FREE BEER NUTS.
A DOCTOR IN LONDON, ENGLAND HAS ROCKED THE MEDICAL PROFESSION WITH HIS IN AN ARTICLE PUBLISHED IN THE BRITISH MEDICAL JOURNAL CLAIMING THAT DOCTORS OFTEN REMOVE PATIENTS’ PUBIC HAIR WIGS UNNECESSARILY. CURRENTLY, IT IS STANDARD PROCEDURE TO REMOVE THE WIGS BEFORE MOST OPERATIONS, BUT DOCTOR MICHAEL PUDMINDER STATES THAT STEP IS A COSTLY HABIT THAT COULD BE DONE AWAY WITH. ACCORDING TO PUDMINDER, THE WORST OFFENDERS ARE DENTISTS, WHO OFTEN ASK TO SEE THE WIGS BEFORE EVEN AGREEING TO SEE THE PATIENT.
FAMOUS VETERINARIAN MICHAEL SCHWINESBERG OF THE MOUNT SCHWINESBURG MEMORIAL DEAD ANIMAL HOSPITAL TOLD REPORTERS AT A PRESS CONFERENCE THIS WEEK THAT HE FEELS THAT THERE ARE TOO MANY HOMOSEXUAL VETERINARIANS IN THE UNITED STATES THESE DAYS, AND THAT SOMETHING OUGHT TO BE DONE ABOUT IT. ALTHOUGH ALMOST NOBODY HAD ANY IDEA AT ALL WHAT DR. SCHWINESBURG WAS TALKING ABOUT, HE WAS QUOTED AS SAYING, “IF A VETERINARIAN THINKS THAT HE MIGHT BE GAY, HE SHOULD APPLY FOR A JOB HERE AT THE MOUNT SCHWINESBURG MEMORIAL DEAD ANIMAL HOSPITAL, SO THAT WE WILL BE ABLE TO FIND OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.” FILM AT ELEVEN.