Frazer Smith’s Power News — August 25, 1978
The Duke
Two-fisted western hero John “Duke” Wayne, feeling in tiptop condition after his recent heart operation, has decided that if a little surgery is good, then a lot of surgery will be better. As a result, Wayne has threatened that he will vote Democratic unless doctors at Newport Beach’s Hoag Medical Center completely replace his human parts with pig intestines. Says Wayne, “I’m a ham at heart, so why not the rest of me?”
Dogs on fire
A German Shepherd has been arrested in connection with eight hotels fires in San Diego this week. The dog, which goes by the name Duster, apparently became upset when the manager of one of the hotels informed him that he would have to wear a swimsuit in the pool. The man then taunted the Shepherd about his pedigree in front of other hotel guests. Arson investigators say that the shepherd started the fires by throwing flaming dog biscuits into the kitchens of the hotels, and then urinated on the tires of the fire trucks that responded.
UFOs at Elvis’ gravesite
Security guards and visitors of the late Elvis Presley’s memorial are reporting that they have seen UFOs hovering over the singer’s tombstone, and Presley’s manager, Colonel Parker, is claiming that the aliens are trying to collect royalties that Presley promised them in exchange for outerspace jewelry. Presley, meanwhile, has temporarily fooled the creatures by freezing his assets, and the rest of his body as well, in a special coffin, in the hopes that doctors of the future will be able to develop a cure for lawsuits.
Melvin Franklin
Melvin Franklin, the leader of the singing group The Temptations, is recovering from wounds received this week when a man attempted to steal Franklin’s car. Apparently, Franklin had parked his car with the keys in it, when a man climbed into it and started to drive away. Franklin jumped through the passenger window of his Cadillac shouting that he was a member of The Temptations. That’s when the thief shot Franklin several times, before abandoning the car and running off. Said Franklin, “It’s a good thing he knew about The Temptations. Otherwise, he might have tried to kill me.”
Fred McMurray
Lawyers for actor Fred MacMurray have obtained an order for the veteran actor’s release after his arrest this week for shooting nude bathers in front of his Russian River home. Although nude bathing is illegal along the river, sheriff’s deputies were upset when MacMurray pulled out a shotgun and started dropping attractive women with loads of buckshot. Says MacMurray, “I know that what I did was wrong, but it was getting so bad out there that I had to use binoculars just to keep an eye on my three sons.” Sounds to me as if you’ve been out in the sons too long, Fred.
O.J. Simpson
Amid a barrage of press releases and denials, football superstar O.J. Simpson this week, again resigned from football for good. It all started when Simpson’s agent, Robert Stigwood, leaked to the press that O.J. is actually the identical twin of Shaun Cassidy. Although Simpson could not be reached for comment, POWER NEWS has learned that Stigwood plans to release an album of Simpson doing push-ups, and later star the running back and Cassidy in a film remake of “The Prince and the Pauper.”
Frazer Smith offends wine steward
Although waiters at the famous Carlos ’n’ Charlie’s restaurant recognized comedian Frazer Smith immediately when he walked in, they didn’t realize that Smith was totally bombed. Thus, when the wine steward asked Smith if he would like to “sniff the cork,” Smith thought he said “sniff some coke,” and inhaled the bottle stopper despite the steward’s efforts to hold onto it. Smith then caused the scene by lunging around the restaurant sneezing on food and licking the backs of the legs of Hollywood starlets. According to owner Alice Cooper, “I thought Keith Moon was crazy, but this boy Frazer is uncontrollable. I wish I’d shot him when I had the chance.”
The Jeep Celebrity Challenge
Unless officials can clear up a flurry of protests before the start of the race Sunday morning, the BFGoodrich $25,000 Jeep Celebrity Challenge race may not happen this year. The celebrity event, which originally was meant as a warm-up before the $200,000 SCORE Off-Road Championships, exploded with controversy when Ruth Buzzi and Kent McCord complained to race officials that boxer Ken Norton’s Jeep had been secretly modified by veteran racer Craig Breedlove. Wilt Chamberlain has also filed a complaint, and has added that if officials don’t disqualify the rocket-powered Jeep, he will slam-dunk Norton into the turbines of his own hopped-up vehicle.
Final Cut day
All over America next week, pro footballers will be nervously waiting to see who has been cut from the team and who will be playing this year. Rams coach Frazer Smith, however, has come up with a plan that should reduce the tension around the Rams camp. According to a press release, Smith plans to use the players who aren’t good enough for the team as snipers and secret agents to help give the Rams the edge they will need to win. Says Smith, “No names, please, but I think that I have one good old boy here will make a fine fighter pilot. It’s amazing what a couple of strafing runs will do to the other team’s morale.”