Frazer Smith’s Power News — May 18, 1979
Extraterrestrial life
NASA scientists looking for signs of life on Jupiter during the Voyager One space flight are now saying that the possibility of life on other planets is more remote than first thought. Says Dr. Fred Pounder, “It’s harder to create life than we suspected. For instance, I’ve been trying to get my wife pregnant for years, and she won’t even let me into the bedroom yet.”
Nessie
Scottish businessman Strut Loosegard has told reporters that he has trained the Loch Ness Monster to fetch and take shorthand. Loosegard, who appeared at the press conference wearing a rubber T-shirt, refused to reveal the technique he used for training the fabled monster, but did say that, “Compared to all the work I had to do last year to invent transportation, this was rather easy.”
The Osmonds
Well, the Osmond family is the news again …
Simply Cher
POWER NEWS has learned that Cher Bono-Allman-Frampton-Spinks is petitioning the Superior Court of Los Angeles in order to change her name to simply Cher. Says the famous songstress, “I can’t even remember their faces, let alone their names. And it’s almost impossible to sign the whole thing when I’m on drugs.”
Head transplants
Doctors who have been experimenting with transplanting entire heads of small mammals say that it will be some time before the technique is perfected. Recently, surgeons attempted to transplant the head of an ape with the head of ex-heavy-weight champ Leon Spinks, and although the human body with the ape’s head is still alive, the body with Spink’s head died almost immediately.
Star Trek, the Movie
Star Trek, The Movie, is now almost three months late and seven million dollars over budget, and there seems to be no end in sight. According to executive producer Gene Roddenberry, the delays are due to actor Leonard Nemoy. Nemoy, who plays First Officer Spock in the film, has stolen a photon torpedo and is attempting to apply Vulcan Groin Probes to all female cast members.
FBI seeks energy pranksters
The FBI has been called in to aid local police in their search for pranksters who are spreading the rumor that drugs can be used as a less-expensive alternative to gasoline in late-model automobiles. In the meantime, however, hospitals are filled to overflowing with millions of motorists who have attempted to syphon cocaine into their cars with their noses.
Happy Days
TV’s Happy Days has been cancelled indefinitely following an accident in which star Anson Williams stepped on his own head. Williams had apparently been attempting to jog and chew gum at the same time between scenes when the accident occurred. Dr. Dink Crankman, who was the first on the scene, told POWER NEWS, “I don’t see how this could have happened, unless he was standing on a chair or something.”