Power News :: Animals

Pet rampage

The FBI this week released the figures on a new menace to society — pets that eat their owners. According to the statistics, each year over fourteen thousand people are eaten alive by pet canaries and goldfish alone. FBI Field Agent Bendix Gearwad commented, “I guess a lot of people forget that you just can’t bend over in front of a poodle without paying the price.”

Gearwad went on to say that the statistics prove that by the year 1993, everyone in the United States will have been devoured by a pet at least once.

Tiny hands away

The twenty-three-year-long career of Rubell Cockburn, America’s first monkey farmer, came to an end this week when Federal officials ordered the Illinois man to destroy his herd of seventy-five rhesus monkeys due to an outbreak of elephantiasis. Explained a sad Cockburn, “I’m sorry this had to happen. I really LOVED those little critters.”

Orangutans coming up in the world

The National Geographic Society informed POWER NEWS this week that one of their researchers has been successful in teaching orangutans to swear, use guns to settle arguments, and drive cars sideways, and that some of them have even started using cocaine on a regular basis. When interviewed by POWER NEWS, trainer Francine Paterson said, “It’s a matter of survival for some of these apes. The zoos they are living in are getting to be like jungles these days.”

Another endangered species

The United States Department of Fish and Game is asking Congress to set aside a portion of the ocean immediately surrounding the nuclear power station at San Onofre as a protected area for some rare, 400-pound minnows that have been sighted there. Commented one official, “For a long time, we didn’t think minnows could live anywhere near these things, but they seem to be doing OK.”

Slug eats San Francisco

Recent visitors to San Francisco were surprised to see a giant gray-white slug devouring the city by the bay. When visitors notified local police that Fisherman’s Wharf and much of Ghiradelli Square were already gone, they were told there was nothing to worry about. Said police chief Robert Grungunger, “Why should I care? It’s probably just another gay rights demonstration. Besides, I hate those damn slugs, even the small ones like this.”

Horsing around

Equestrian aficionado Benjamin McCormick has been temporarily barred from the boxing ring after it was discovered that he had entered a horse in a prize fight. Says McCormick, “I don’t see anything wrong with what I did. The horse won, didn’t he?”

Eat fish — get big teeth

Nutritional experts this week gave testimony to a Senate panel in an effort to get continued funding for their investigation into why eating fish leads to enlarged teeth in tiny-handed Los Angeles teenage girls. One scientist is quoted as saying, “When those huge teeth meet a soft bone, it’s no contest. No wonder they all smell like tuna.”

Bigfoot discovered

Scientists in northern California have found Bigfoot, and boy, are their arms tired.

Whaling ban

The Japanese government has announced a temporary ban on all whaling after a discovery by Japanese scientists that one Frazer Smith Too Hip card contains the same raw materials as a California gray whale.

Choosing the right pet

Vegetable and marriage expert Burt Furr told POWER NEWS at a press conference this week that the kind of pet chosen by newlyweds can determine whether or not their marriage will last. Says Furr, “While the wife might like some sort of big dog, a lot of husbands seem to go for sheep and goats. In a case like that, I would have to recommend one of the small rodents. Those things can really save a marriage, if you don’t let them too near the microwave.”

Low-cholesterol eggs

Three-year-old Marina del Rey inventor Henny Fowlstein announced this week that he has come up with a new, low-cholesterol egg, The secret method, according to the youngster, is to raise the chickens on water beds and feed them cocaine. Although the special diet seems to cut down the hen’s craving for coffee, Fowlstein told POWER NEWS, “It’s not perfect yet. I STILL can’t talk them out of going to Texas for their vacations.”

Animal porn movie — The Pipe Handlers

Animal porn king Foster Brooks of Wet Spot Productions this week told POWER NEWS that his new movie, “The Pipe Handlers” will be bigger and more successful than “Gone With The Wind,” despite the fact that Don Knotts has decided not to star in the film. According to Brooks, however, Knotts’ replacement, actor Jack Dangle, more than fills the bill and the ultra-expensive atom-colored wardrobe made specially for the movie. Says Brooks, “He doesn’t have the macho that Knott’s has, and he isn’t as good looking, but he does have the speed, and he’s real dangerous.”

Dog and drugs

Speaking of dogs and drugs, as we often do on POWER NEWS, Mr. and Mrs. Clyde Winnebago, of Hollywood, are reportedly upset today because their dog Klutz drove their new RV into the office of a local motel. Damages entering into the thousands of dollars were reported by Renauldo Daulphene, manager of the famed Plunderer Motel West, the only motel that features a free pirate with each room. Authorities are currently seeking the arrest of the animal. In addition to the charges, police claim that the canine was carrying over six million dollars of illegal Chinese food in the cabin of the RV.

Baby seals fighting back

It’s that time of year again, when on the shores of Newfoundland, Canada, the baby seals that come to whelp are killed for their pelts. This year, however, they are fighting back, as thousands of the young seals came to shore armed to the flippers with Soviet-supplied atomic weapons and small amphibious landing craft, causing great commotion as they attacked Canadian seal hunters on the beaches. A brief battle ensued, and currently, both camps are regrouping for further confrontations. We’re going to have an update on this story later.