Power News :: Drugs

Osmond family diet revealed

Members of the Osmand family told a POWER NEWS reporter that one reason behind their popular appeal is their diet of Angel Dust Protein Drink and raw human flesh. The Osmonds feel that the diet is ideal for them, because the Mormon religion forbids the use of coffee, alcohol, and cigarettes. Says Mama Osmond, “We all really think this diet is great, but we still have to watch our figures. The girls, for example, always have a bad habit of eating too much meat on dates.”

The Billy Graham Organization

The Billy Graham Evangelistic Organization, which was set up by preacher Billy Graham to handle the excess income from his world-wide religious tours, is apparently in money trouble after making only one-hundred million dollars last year. Instead of throwing in the towel, however, a spokesman says that Graham has decided to supplement the income of the organization by selling narcotics as he travels around the world.

Mail service to improve soon

In order to speed up mail deliveries, the Postal Service announced this week that it intends to start giving employees amphetamines and cocaine, and make them wear rocket shoes. In addition, the Postal Service announced their intention to start using a new forty-eight digit ZIP code, which will go into effect next Monday. Said a Postal Service spokesman, “The new ZIP code won’t really mean anything, but we’re going to need something to keep these people busy when they get all cranked up”

Navy drug problem

In the wake of an investigation by POWER NEWS reporters, the Navy admitted this week that they are having problems with sailors using drugs. In spite of the fact that many of the old-timers feel that drug offenders should be given life at hard labor, many of them are instead being offered rehabilitation. Says one Navy admiral, “We take these otherwise useless sailors, and after about four hours of rehab we can turn them into perfectly good disco dancers or radio station program managers. I think it’s worth the effort.”

Soviets explain Afghan invasion

Kremlin officials in Moscow today told POWER NEWS that the apparent invasion of Afghanistan was, in reality, an attempt to ease the critical shortage of narcotics in the Soviet republic. Said one Soviet military aide, “We heard they had drugs, so we sent our SWAT team to get some. It’s not so different from your country, no?”

New beer from the Middle East

In the spirit of co-existence that has recently gripped the Middle East, the Egyptians this week announced a new process for making beer out of Israeli currency. The process, which uses the highly inflated Israeli pound as the main ingredient, reportedly needs no yeast in the manufacturing.

Valium cigarette ban

NBC officials have warned all on-the-air TV personalities to stop using Valium cigarettes while or before going on the air live. Apparently, some newscasters were having trouble following their written copy, often drifting into long, seemingly impromptu subject matter unrelated — doctor, it was as if small, rubber weasels had torn her wet polyethylene nightgown to shreds, and then, god, they raided her fresh, frozen icebox, then god, food … liquor … sex, oh my god ga ga ga ga ga ga ga! Network officials have concluded that smoking Valium cigarettes can effect the user’s memory pattern, and have taken the unprecedented move of prohibiting any of their on-the-air personalities from using the offending smokes. Did I tell you that already? I can’t remember.