Power News :: General Interest

Cuban refugee swims to the USA

A young Cuban refugee this week told POWER NEWS the harrowing tale of how he swam from Cuba to the United States to join his family. Most of the seven-week-long journey was spent battling swarms of deadly sharks who challenged him to endless games of ping pong at a penny a point. Boasts America’s latest arrival, “I made them pay up, too. Now, I’ve got enough money to go into business for myself making loans to my friends.”

POWER NEWS astrological alert

Here’s a new feature of POWER NEWS. It’s the POWER NEWS Astrological Alert. Parents, take note: If your child was born on this day, he or she will soon become a worthless, unproductive menace to society. POWER NEWS advises that you drown them in a lake while they’re still small and won’t be missed.

And, send me a thousand dollars, OK?

Canadians abroad

United Press International reports that Canadian Beaver Mountie Nick Splif has been arrested in San Diego and charged with assault with a blunt instrument in connection with his attempt to detain a local woman for what he called “carrying a concealed beaver.” Splif apparently became confused after his brain defrosted in the warm weather, and ran amok in the town square ripping clothing off women. Police in San Diego have locked Splif in a deep freeze pending trial.

And boy, are our Armies tired

Officials of the Army told POWER NEWS this week that America’s fighting men are out of condition, and are not being trained to fight in a typical war-type situation. To counteract this trend, the Pentagon brass has announced that starting in November, Army and Marine units will begin full-scale war games in New York City, using live ammunition. One source was quoted as saying, “I think it will work out just fine. After all, New York City has to be good for something.”

Cross that bridge when they get there

Authorities in Tennessee admit to being more than a little puzzled about what to do with an eleven-year-old boy who shot his father during a card game. Sheriff’s deputies say that the two were playing in a bridge tournament when suddenly the boy emptied a .357 magnum across the table. Said the boy, “He never should have bid three no-trump. He’s just going to have to learn.”

Federal safety standards

When the Federal government mandated that all new cars be resistant to low-speed collision damage, they thought it would save lives and money. With the cars in the showrooms, however, dealers all over the country are reporting that thousands of new car buyers are purposely ramming walls, telephone poles, and each other in order to test out the new safety features. Said one dealer, “Everybody’s out there driving backwards. It looks like a giant demolition derby.”

Charlie’s nuns

The police department of Cleveland, Ohio, has awarded medals of bravery to three nuns who stopped a thief after they saw him looting their church. According to police, the nuns chased the young criminal, tackled him, and then sat on his face until police arrived.

Trouble at Gunland

Employees of the Gunland Military Amusement Park are reportedly not cooperating with civilian authorities who are looking into this week’s disaster there. So far, all that is known is that the employee in charge of the beachhead assault ride apparently launched a full-scale attack on a group of park visitors. Park officials, however, are denying that a nuclear weapon was used to stop the maddened employee. Said one official, “If anyone has been killed out here, we’ll know about it in a day or so.”

Another daredevil stunt

Italian pickle salesman Enrique Pasta has announced that he is going to try to cross the Atlantic Ocean strapped to the propeller of an airplane. Pasta, who will train for the feat by riding around Naples inside a truck tire for three months, says that not only is the attempt costing him thousands of dollars, but also that he stands to make no money if he succeeds. Pasta told POWER NEWS, “I just need a little time away from my wife. I think every man does.”

Gasoline shortage hunts business

… And be sure to tune in at eleven for the POWER NEWS special report on why the gasoline crisis is driving the cost of arson up, up, up.

Dixon predicts

Famous psychic Jeanne Dixon predicted this week that in the future, Americans would go to the moon to have their teeth worked on by aliens from another galaxy. Said Dixon, “That’s where I go, and I love it so much I sometimes don’t even come back.”

Border Patrol tightens the screws

Border Patrol officials in San Bernardino are claiming success for their recent “Operation Intercourse,” which they initiated in order to slow the influx of youngsters into the United States seeking big money smuggling convicted sex offenders into the country inside of broken pinball machines.

Police arrest extortionists

Police have arrested four hundred people on suspicion of filling strychnine bottles with diamonds and demanding jars of pickles from local Safeway markets as ransom. Snack break at eleven.

Man loses spelling bee

An unidentified passerby was beheaded today in St. Louis after losing an impromptu spelling bee to ex-heavy-weight champ Leon Spinks. Said one onlooker, “He deserved it. You have to be pretty stupid to lose a spelling bee to Leon.”

Don’t be too hard on yourself

French police have arrested a half-man, half-woman, on a charge of sexual harassment on the job. Bail was set at five thousand francs for the hermaphrodite, a self-employed carpenter who reportedly demanded sex from himself before he would give herself a raise.

Health fair marathon

Kiddie porn producer Denny “Flex” Ribald of Stray Dog Productions in conjunction with the Blizzard in July Dance Troupe of West Covina will be sponsoring an organic food throwing marathon once again this Saturday afternoon at Dodger Stadium. Winners will receive a year’s supply of Uncle Vic’s Rabid Bat Disco Bread and a free subscription to Earth Shoe Illustrated, the exciting new bi-monthly magazine for careful eaters.

Triple bill

This Saturday afternoon at the Pink Inside Pleasure Dome in Hollywood, the movie “Star Wars” will be shown backwards at high speed in search of hidden Beatle messages. Also on the triple bill, “Linda Lovelace Meets The Three Stooges,” and porn star Harry Reims in “Mr. Goodbar vs. The Cocaine Killer Blondes.” All proceeds will be given eventually to the Beatle Non-Reunion Fund, and of course, to the Frazer Smith Early Retirement Foundation.

Another postal increase

In the face of increasing criticism concerning the quality of mail service, the post office is now announcing yet another price hike, from 15 cents to 89 cents an ounce for first-class mail. According to Postmaster-General Jody-Lee Carter, the increased revenues will be used to purchase much-needed amphetamines, rocket shoes, and fighter planes to help speed mail deliveries.

Radioactive hamburgers

A government study has thrown the fast-foods industry into a panic with its finding that grill-frying hamburgers causes them to become radioactive. Scientists, however, are optimistic that high levels of radioactivity in humans could make it easier for people to find one another during full eclipses of the sun.

Blooper spotters

POWER NEWS wishes to congratulate those of you who spotted the blooper on ABC TV Sunday night at eight o’clock. Instead of the Richard Norris special on child abuse, ABC mistakenly ran “Ten IQ and Bad Speed,” an out-take of a pilot show that was supposed to have been destroyed without a trace. If you were one of the few who noticed, you will be receiving your Frazer Smith Too Hip Card in the mail soon as a prize.

New camera invented

Inventor Wammo Bleem has developed a computerized camera that can be programmed to automatically take nude snapshots of people who work in ball point pen factories. Bleem says he plans to sell the cameras to foreign exchange students who live near discotheques.

‘Make Me Dance’

On the heels of the ever-popular “Bullet Disco” comes a new TV show called “Make Me Dance.” The show features host Bobby “Machine Gun” Van, who tours local hospitals with a team of crack army sharp-shooters in search of invalids, cripples, and comatose patients who are willing to challenge the firing squad to “make them dance.”

Law-abiding motorists causing problems

Experts are citing fall-out from Chinese open-air atom-bomb tests as the reason why motorists all over America have suddenly started obeying the 55 mile-per-hour speed limit. Things aren’t all rosey, however. Law-enforcement personnel, bored by the lower speeds, have begun chasing each other at high speeds and ramming their expensive cruisers into abutments.

Power of the press

Unlike many young boys and girls who look forward to getting a paper route in order to earn money, paper boy Slink Snarf decided that he wasn’t going to settle for the chump change normally offered newscarriers. As a result, the Detroit youngster forced his employer to guarantee him fifteen hundred dollars a week salary, buy him a Harley, and provide protection for his drug distribution network. Says Snarf, “I’m not going to be a paperboy all my life. As soon as I get some money, I’m going to move to Los Angeles and be a famous air personality just like my hero Regis Philbin.”

Strange Festival

This weekend, Doctor Ed “Stumpy” Womblat, of El Molino, will host the Fourth Annual Strange Person’s Festival, under the condemned bandshell at Forest Lungs Cemetary in Lompoc. Featured speakers will include former football great Forest “Frosty” Evashetski, and Jim Morrison, formerly of the Doors. Sack racing, RV pushing, and team necrophilia will all be part of the gala festivities at the festival, which is scheduled to start, as one organizer put it, “right on time.”

O’Hare Airport

O’Hare Airport in Chicago — the world’s busiest airport — was shut down for only the sixth time in its history yesterday, due in part to 29-inches of cheese that was mistakenly dropped onto the runways by cargo planes belonging to Milwaukee cheese baron Charles “Whiz” Whackamyer. “This is embarrassing,” said airline pilot Gordon Zolla. “Did you ever try to get a hunk of cheese out of your cockpit? It’s just impossible.” Meanwhile, stewardess Patty Melt told POWER NEWS that airport officials are hoping to melt off the excess cheese droppings with giant microwave ovens. “The only good thing about all of this,” said the stewardess, “is that I’ll probably get my picture in the paper.”

Junk mail

A federal court Judge ruled yesterday that any postal patron who receives Junk mail containing less than 20% heroin by weight can sue the sender for up to a pound of pure Junk. No word vet on how this will effect postal rates, but leaders of the United Postal Workers Union are reportedly needled by the ruling.

L.A. police lose guns

In the wake of yet another questionable shooting by Los Angeles police, all officers have had to turn in their guns. The officers will not be defenseless, however, as Hollywood stuntmen have been hired to teach the cops to run over suspects with their cars and motorcycles.

McDonald’s out of meat

The discovery that many armadillos are infected with leprosy has led to shutting down thousands of McDonald’s hamburger stands throughout the United States. An order handed down by the Texas public health administration has quarantined more than one million armadillos formerly earmarked for shipment to McDonald’s, leaving them virtually meatless. Executives for the hamburger chain are now investigating the possibility of purchasing enough bat meat to make up for the shortage.

Softened criminals

A study by California penal authorities has revealed that many hardened criminals are living better than most middle-class families. According to the study, the criminals are using taxpayer money to furnish their cells with expensive oil paintings, wet bars, handmade rugs, Tiffany lamps, custom waterbeds, and elaborate stereo systems. Prison officials, however, have denied the report, saying most prisoners are allotted only $11,000 a year for such improvements, and often have to wait up to a week for a consultation with a professional interior decorator.